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Finding Yourself

June 28, 2010

In life, people like to judge each other. Some people take the judgments of others to heart, like holy writ, and they become the labels of what others insist on them. In other words, if one is labeled a “loser”, then sometimes the person will become just that. Not because the person is generally a loser, or have a loser-type personality or actions, but because one or more bullies TOLD and convinced that person it was true. :-/

I have lived most of my life, believing that myself – what makes me ME- was seriously flawed. I believed that I was “stupid”, “ugly”, “corny”, “a loser”, “unwanted”,  and “unlovable”. Yet these were never my own ideas of myself, but what OTHERS had convinced me of. I tried to live my life, in stuffing myself into roles and ideas, that everyone else around me said I should have and believe in. I believed the lies of my bullies and felt lower than a animal. And it was several years of my life, from age 6 until age 27, that I had suffered with low self-esteem and self hatred. :-(

Finally, I sought help for my depression, which depression only makes low self-esteem a hundred times worse. And with therapy and getting past my depression, I was able to began looking into myself… What did I think of me? What did I really like to do and what were my interests? What was my real views and core beliefs? Who did I wish to be, based on myself and not on what others say I should wish to be?

I took a personal inventory of what I felt was my positive traits and my negative ones. Which wasn’t easy to do, because I had to first toss away what OTHERS thought and expressed was my negative and positive traits. This was going to be my own judgment solely! And with some effort, I was able to make a list on what I truly thought and felt about ME. :-)

For the negative traits, I sorted out what I wish to change and what I couldn’t change, but can live with. I began to embrace the fact that no one is perfect, not even my past bullies were perfect, and that everyone has flaws. And with the flaws that I can not change (stubbornness, worrisome, eccentric), I began to accept them as part of me, even come to love them. They are my quirks. :-)

For my positive traits, I found that I had a lot more than the OTHERS gave me credit for. Of course bullies are not going to give you high praises, otherwise they would be friendly and kind people, not bullies. And with my new list of all the good things I found out about myself (loyalty, honesty, bravery, curious and wanting to learn), it was easy for me to decide that I wasn’t as bad as the OTHERS claimed I was. :-p

I still struggle with a few negative ideas, that I grew up with, about myself. But many other negative ideas I have long tossed to the side and I’ve made up my own mind on what is true and what is fiction. Bullies are not the most honest people around and they will lie, or exaggerate, in order to harm another person. It’s their job! :-/

But I  am always myself now. I go to sleep at night, knowing that I wasn’t anyone else that day, except for myself. I have that security and confidence, that no matter how bad a day went, I was myself and I did my best. :-)

-D

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