Archive for July, 2010

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Crawling In The Dark

July 30, 2010

This song is by Hoobastank… Hey, stop that groaning! It’s a good song! It’s also the theme song to the Kakashi AMV, in my VodPod collections (located on the right bar of this blog->), so you may listen to it as well. Enjoy. :-p

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my every-
thing for just a second’s worth,
Of how my story’s ending.
And I wish I could know
if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make
won’t end up all for nothing.

Show me what it’s for
Make me understand it
I’ve been crawling in the dark,
looking for the answer.
Is there something more
than what I’ve been handed?
I’ve been crawling in the dark,
looking for the answer.

Help me carry on
Assure me it’s okay to
use my heart and not my eyes,
To navigate the darkness.
Will the ending be
ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see
the ending to my story?

Show me what it’s for
Make me understand it
I’ve been crawling in the dark,
looking for the answer.
Is there something more
than what I’ve been handed?
I’ve been crawling in the dark,
looking for the answer.

So when and how will I know?

How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I’m looking and I just can’t see
what’s in front of me.
In front of me!

Show me what it’s for
Make me understand it
I’ve been crawling in the dark,
looking for the answer.
Is there something more
than what I’ve been handed?
I’ve been crawling in the dark,
looking for the answer.

-D

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Good Morning!

July 29, 2010

I have my usual morning routine, which is subject to change, as life changes. The unexpected happens every now and then, which changes my routines to my mornings. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. And sometimes I simply stayed up too late, the night before, and my mornings start off late. But for the past year, this have been my morning norm. Yes, this a post about my simple daily routine, my usual mornings from Monday – Friday. Feel free to exit, if you’re not interest in one silly girl’s routine. ;-)

At 7:00am, either the sun has risen or it’s still dark outside for another hour, it’s depends on the season. The sun rises early in the mornings in the Summer and Spring, but rises past 8am or later in the Autumn and Winter months. Either way, my cell-phone alarm goes off at this time, which I roll over in bed toward the nightstand and hit the snooze button a couple of times. It’s really around 7:40-7:45am, that I finally hit the “dismiss” button and sit up in bed.

Once I’m half-awake, sitting in bed, I grumble to myself. This is usually when I grab a cigarette and light it. But since I’ve been quit for some months now, I sigh and stumbled off to the bathroom, zombie-style. I wash up, brush my teeth, all of that good stuff. By the time I make it back to my room, I’m sorta awake, but not quite. :-p

As the coffee is brewing, I set up my laptop and turn it on. The first place I visit is my email inbox. I reply to a few, still half sleepy, and then log onto FaceBook. As that screen is loading, I open my iTunes program and select the play-list of the day. I reply to messages on FB, comment or give a “thumbs up” to a few people’s statues, and return app-game gifts. Then I chat with my mother for a short while, downstairs in the sunlit kitchen, while sipping coffee.

By 9am or later, I come to this blog and post something for the day. Sometimes I have it pre-written, the night before… but often it’s on the fly. So really, a lot of the things posted here are my morning brain-farts. You lucky readers, you. :-p

Next, I get to my usual work on the computer, for my mother’s company or for some other company. But my cheer doesn’t start until 10am, when my best friend logs online and the tomfoolery began! I chat with him, for the rest of the day and that is the highlight of my week. :-)

So, what do I do on the weekends? I sleep a lot and play video games. Ah… the life of a slacker is sweet, sometimes. ;-)

-D

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My Own Fire

July 28, 2010

I do have my own dark side and inner demons, a fiery warrior spirit. I came by it honestly, as most of the people on my mother’s side of the family are this way. My mother, her siblings, and father served in the US military, in one for or another (Army, Navy, Air-force). Also my oldest brother served in the US Army, for a few years. I wanted to follow in those footsteps, but was denied due to health issues. :-(

On first glance, people notice the love, the kindness, the generosity, and true friendship that myself and my relatives are prone to share. That is the true nature of my family and myself, we are a loving and honest family by default. But, if a person hurts one of us, or our friends, or does some despicable crime in front of our eyes… the demon in us emerge. It’s like throwing fresh meat within a pack of angry dogs. I wouldn’t recommend it!

I believe that no matter how sweet and innocent a person is on the outside, they still have a level of aggression within them. The only difference between a homicidal maniac and a law abiding citizen is a conscious choice to not harm others. And this is always an more conscious decision to not harm, rather to do harm, because to kill is a basic human instinct. It takes very little effort to make the choice to kill a person in the heat of a great anger, but it takes a greater effort and time to actually find alternative and more civilized ways to deal with a bad situation. But most of us have the ability to stop short of murder or homicide, because of the complex emotions of empathy, moral beliefs, and social acceptances.

As for wars, I always hate the end result of it, of innocent civilians getting caught in the middle and losing their lives. I also hate the loss of life of both armies fighting, and I’m always wishing for a future where conflicts can be solved fairly without bloodshed. On the other hand, I am not so naive to believe that the world would ever be without wars or that some wars are not necessary. For example, if there were not a war against the Nazis, then that terror to humanity would have rein much longer than it did. A whole race would have been eliminated, England would be forever destroyed, and who’s to say the Nazis would have stopped at only genocide. :-/

But back to my point… I do have a level of aggression within me. People often see the first side of my personality, the caring and true friend, but underestimate my dark side. That’s okay, as kind and loving friends and family rarely get to see that side of me anyways. But, for those who like to take advantage or want to take me for granted, underestimating that side of me is a huge mistake. I won’t get into how or why, but I will admit that I can get pretty nasty and impossible to deal with, at that point. :-p

I am capable of being dangerous to another physically, but only in extreme situations, where the lives of my friends and family are threaten… or my own life is in danger. I am a survivor, by default, and I’m not above doing physical harm to protect those I love or myself. Even if it means I forfeit my own life or freedom in the process of  trying to! I have no fear or hesitation there. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not, but it is the truth about me.

I’ve always had aggression within me, since I was a little girl, as I would role-play it with dolls often. The dolls would have wars, get into brutal fights against each other, always slapping and punching each other. Some of this play was based on what I watched on tv, in a era where there were no tv-ratings for violence, and the show “Cops” had episodes that showed real dead-bodies on crime scenes. Also Loony Tunes and “Tom & Jerry” cartoons were prone to whip out a firearm, point the weapon to the heads of other characters, and sometimes fire. And they’ve said that “The A-Team” was the most violent show of that era… Right!

Another part of it, I believe, is that I got the aggression through genes. Not only from my mother’s side, but also from my birth-father (which he happens to have psychopathic tendencies). So, aggression has always been a part of my genetic make-up, as person. HOWEVER, I was never one to harm another peer, to be a bully at school (though I was often bullied), or to harm even an insect. Some neighboring boys found it fun to catch fireflies, removing their “lights” from the insect, thus killing the bug. I was the little girl, pleading for them to stop with tears in my eyes, empathy for the insects. I believe that my empathy for all living creatures, and my inner morals, is what keeps my aggression from turning into criminal behavior.

But where does my aggression go? It’s there within me, always. Growing up, it would come out with the role-play. When I finally got my own gaming console at age fifteen, my aggression came out in the form of many fighting games, like Mortal Kombat and Streets Of Rage. And through the years, with every new console, I always own at least five new fighting/shoot-em-up games.

Beyond that, I do use my written words as a weapon sometimes. Okay, often… seesh. I do have a sort of aggressive side to my arguments, though I never intend to cause harm, it’s just my way of expressing myself. Also, my writing sometimes is a way for me to release the anger, frustration, and hostility that I have inside of me. Though people shouldn’t fear because these flames are very well controlled and, in most cases, they smother out as fast as they begin. ;-)

-D

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I Don’t Need Your Pity

July 27, 2010

The hazard of sharing my feelings and stories with others online, is that sometimes I get pity in return. I don’t share my experiences to get pity and I CAN’T STAND pity! I also don’t care for sympathy either, only if I’m depressed and having my own pity party, then sympathy is a step up! :-p

What I don’t mind is EMPATHY, and if a person can learn something from my scribbles, it’s a bonus for me! ;-)

And you may be thinking now, “Pity, Sympathy, Empathy… Aren’t these all the same?” No, they are all different. Of course, I’m going to explain how and why in this post… It’s my way of doing things. Let me start with the best one of these emotions. ;-)

Empathy – It’s the ability to co-experience and related to thoughts and situations of another person, without those thoughts or feelings being expressed by that other person. It’s being able to put yourself in that person’s shoes (or perspective), feeling what they feel and seeing what they see, without that other person having to go into long explanations. Also a lot of time, the other person doesn’t have to say a thing, you can see it on their face and notice the change in emotions too. Empathy is what causes close-relationships and bounds. It’s an emotion most experienced around friends, family, and community ties.

Sympathy – Is an ability to understand and support an emotional situation of another. But there is a lot of care, protection, and charity involved in it. It’s the feeling of caring for someone, because you believe that they cannot fix the problem themselves. A sympathetic person may play the role of being the “savior”, of rushing in to help the perceived victim. This emotion is often found in relation to the poor, helpless, or less fortunate.

Pity – This is sometimes a contemptuous emotion, of very tender sorrow for another person. There is no understanding behind it. And sometimes it can come off a little condescending to the person being pitied. In other words, it like the rich King, on this high horse, tossing a crust of bread to the peasants, while patting himself on the back for it. :-/

Apathy – This is the state of complete indifference to anyone’s emotional situation or thought. Understanding or care is non-existent in a person with apathy. Also, the efforts of “pity” cannot even be reached, for the person who has apathy. It’s just a blank state of non-emotion for anyone and everyone.

I don’t write or share to gain any emotions, to be honest. I don’t mind Empathy, of course. I mean, who would? It’s a nice emotion and it can start relationships and close bounds with others. But I don’t write specifically to get Empathy, that is never my goal. My goal is to empty my brain of the randomness within it, so I can better remember more important tasks and information in my life, like birth-dates and people’s names. :-)

And I DON’T write to get Pity, Apathy, or Sympathy. You can just keep those emotions to yourself! :-p

-D

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Of Social Isolation

July 26, 2010

I am a sufferer of Social Anxiety Disorder… or I have been diagnosed with that, anyway. Sometimes, I believe that I may suffer from something else called “Avoidant Personality Disorder”, which is very similar to Social Anxiety, except for a key number of symptoms that I do feel and experience. But officially, by trained psychologists, I do have the label of  having “Social Anxiety Disorder”. Nonetheless, whatever I may have, it makes my life a bit difficult. :-/

But, I am always working on it and trying to be rid of this disorder I have. Not alone, but with professional help. So far, for two years, nothing… but I don’t plan to give up. But, this isn’t my point of my post. :-p

At some point in my life, after something tragic happened to me (I don’t feel like going into details… let’s just say it’s a woman’s worst nightmare), my anxiety became worse. I stayed indoors, inside of my house, and away from people for six years straight! I did have some contact with the outside world, via chatting online, and also visits from relatives. I kept up with the current news and events of the world. But, I was totally isolated. :-(

I found out quickly that silence does have a sound, and it’s deafening. I would stare for hours, at my wall, even talk to it. Later, I began to talk to the wall and a picture of my dead cat. My moods would change sporadically and without warning. In one moment, I would be smiling, then in the next moment, I would be in tears. I often felt like I was going crazy, sometimes laugh and crying at the same time. :-/

I finally got out of my isolation, because I became sick with heat-stroke one summer, and the Paramedics were called. They had to coax me out of the house and I was in tears, holding onto the railing for dear life! I was so very afraid, but they got me into ambulance, driving me off to the local ER. As we drove away, I realized that I didn’t recognize my neighborhood anymore. I had been inside, for six years, and there were huge developments in the houses and buildings around my neighborhood. I didn’t even glance outside of my window, during those years in isolation, so I had no idea how different everything looked outside! :-o

There is a reason why isolation is used as a torture device or a highest form of punishment in prisons. Isolation has a huge impact on the mind and health, often in very negative ways. The effects of social isolation include: heart disease, depression, anxiety, loneliness, distortion of time and perception. And I had lived through it, for six years, it was hell.

Social Isolation isn’t about not having a lot of friends or being in a crowd. To prevent being isolated, it simply means to leave the house on a regular basis, and having some interactions with other living and breathing human beings. This can be as simple as going shopping or enjoying a day in a hair salon. You don’t have to be “the life of the party”, or go to parties all the time, to prevent or overcome Social Isolation. ;-)

I often have to be careful, not to slip back into my old habit, of staying indoors again. It’s easy to do that, with an Anxiety disorder, but I have to keep pushing myself to make my appointments in the outside world. If I skip too many or decided to stay indoors more, I could find myself staying indoors for another six years. :-o

If you know a person who is in isolation, please try to talk them into getting some help. Don’t PUSH them, because that will only make the situation worse and they’ll isolated themselves more! But with some gentle encouragement, letting them decide on their own, a person may decide to come out of that kind of darkness. If the Paramedics was not kind and gentle, I would have NEVER left the house, and I may have stayed in isolation still.

-D

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I’m Sorry

July 23, 2010

As a child, I never thought it was okay to make mistakes. I always wanted to be “right” and “perfect” and never making a mistake, EVER. This was because my peers were harsh toward a person who’d made a mistake. That person was harassed, made fun of, teased and laughed at on the playground. Looking back on it, I’m pretty sure some of those instances were just friends playfully teasing each other, and it wasn’t just a cruel dig toward that person who had made the mistake. But through my young eyes, way back when, I had gained some fear in making a mistake and being laughed at for it. :-/

So, when I had made an error or hurt someone’s feelings, I was quick to defend it and argue on how I was right about it. The fear that I had made a mistake took over and, instead of apologizing, I alienated a few people by arguing on how they shouldn’t have been hurt by what I had said or did. Therefore those few people, who could have been my friends growing up, left me alone… and for good reason! It was my own mistake and immaturity, I fault no one but myself for that. :-p

Fortunately, I GREW UP and became more mature, by the time I turned 12 years old. I had realized that I am human and I make mistakes… sometimes a LOT of mistakes! And since age 12, I’ve had no trouble in admitting when I’ve done wrong or have said something wrong. I don’t have an issue with saying, “I’m sorry!”, and meaning it too! I’ve long learned that just because something wouldn’t hurt my feelings, but it hurt someone else’s feelings, doesn’t mean that I have the right to say or do it. For example:  A person calling me the color pink doesn’t bother me, but it does hurt Joe. If I call Joe “pink” and he gets hurt and upset, I shouldn’t yell, “Well, I don’t mind being called pink! So, you shouldn’t mind it either!” I should just apologize and be sorry for hurting Joe’s feelings, and make a mental note to never call him “pink” again.

When a person gets defensive and argues about what a person should feel or not, they are really double-victimizing that other person. Not only have you hurt the feelings of someone, but now you’re slapping them again, by arguing that their feelings or emotions are invalid also. :-(

The MATURE and adult thing to do, when hurting someone’s feelings is to apologize, to mean it, and own up to the mistake. Yes, unless you sought out to make the person upset or hurt their feelings on purpose, you’ve only made a mistake! Relax and breath, it’s not the end of the world only because you’ve made an error… unless that error was to push the huge red button that will destroy the world. :-p

Own up to your mistake and APOLOGIZE. And really mean it, even if you can’t understand why calling Joe “pink” would get him so upset. It’s not for you to understand why calling him that color would upset him. What you are to realize is that it DOES upset him (this is the only fact that matters) and that you shouldn’t call him pink anymore or ever again.

So a mature response would be, “I’m sorry, Joe. I didn’t know that would hurt your feelings. I won’t say it anymore.” And then, both of you can move on.  An immature and childish way to respond would be, “I don’t understand why you would get upset with me calling you the color pink. It doesn’t bother me, so it shouldn’t bother you. Are you sure you’re not too sensitive? Blah, blah, blah…”

Let’s face it, the latter response is that of children, not of mature adults. And I should know, as I responded just like that, when I was under the age of 12!

And for those who get their feelings hurt, by this post, “I’m sorry.” That wasn’t my intent and this will be my last post on the subject, so don’t worry. But for others who didn’t get their feelings hurt, because they have no issue with apologizing or owning up with their mistakes… Or for those who’ve realized they must grow up a little… good on you! Then my rant actually means something. ;-)

I write this one, because so many have responded to hurting my feelings in immature ways. Instead of saying that they are sorry, or to offer to never say it again, they get defensive and try to argue that my feelings are invalid  or that I’m over-sensitive.. Maybe I am extra sensitive, who knows? But in spite of that, I still deserve an apology and a promise that what was said (or did) will not be repeated.

I do have a true friend who had no issue in apologizing and so on. And I am the same, having no issues of apologizing and owning up to my mistakes against him. Nobody’s perfect and mistakes are bound to happen! But, it’s only a very BAD thing, when excuses are made and a person gets defensive, instead of apologetic. In the long run, it’s much easier and better to own up to a mistake and apologize for it, rather than push people away. When you double-victimize and refuse to admit an mistake, you’re just asking others to avoid you altogether.

-D

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School Daze!

July 22, 2010

I am in love with this manga, named “Oresama Teacher”. I began reading it in Febuary of this year, and I look forward to the new issues, every month. ;-)

It’s a story about a girl named Mafuyu Kurosaki, who was the toughest and the leader of her school gang, always winning fights (single-handedly) against rival gangs of seven guys or more. But, she fell into major trouble for fighting at school and was sent away to a school for reforming delinquents. Her mother is highly disappointed and threatens to disown her, if she doesn’t reform and become a good a proper young woman. So, Mafuyu cuts her hair (she’s the one with gray hair, in the photo above) and makes a goal to start her new year in the deliquent school as a sweet little girl, wanting to be more feminine.

However, in this school of very rough students and several gangs within it, she is being pulled back into her old gang-life. She meets two mysterious guys, Hayasaka and Takaomi. She struggles with the issues of love, of trying to stay out of trouble so her mother won’t disown her, and balancing her habit of getting into fights at school. :-p

This manga is a lot hilarious! And I identify with Mafuyu, in many ways. No, I was never the one to get into many fights at school, but I understand the high demands she had faced in her past and now in her present. She’s just a girl trying to find her way in life, to have friends, and to stay out of trouble… yet trouble always seem to find her! Especially with Takaomi around. ;-)

-D