Popularity Or Outcast?

July 2, 2010

I have been on both sides of this fence. I’ve been “popular” and I’ve been an “outcast”, in my lifetime. Let me start with my outcast days, first. :-p

Since the age of kindergarten, the other children would not play with me and I was often known as “the weird girl” on the playground. Before school, I never was around other children much. I was always sick with infections, in and out of hospitals, and my mother kept me sheltered. Instead she tried pushing my sister and I together to be friends. But my sister and I were mortal enemies until our teen years. I guess one day, my sister and I grew out of our rivalry and became friends. But before then, I was alone growing up. :-(

My teen years were NOT better, but instead gotten worse, as being weird and different didn’t stand too well in middle school or high-school. I had plenty of bullies, but not a single friend, though I cried and prayed for one every night. I tried to change who I was later, desperate to fit in, but anyone can spot an pouser… so, I only gained myself more bullies, for trying to pretend that I was someone who I was not. :-/

I was so weird and awkward, always taller than most of the other girls, and thin like a rail too! I began to get quiet and withdrawn, with my anxiety disorder getting worse and depression setting in. And the new game at school was to see who could make “the weird girl” cry, for the day. And this sick game was played every day and all day long. My grades began to slip, in the end. The nerds and geeks took pity on me, trying to step in and help me, from time to time… nearly getting their own butts kicked for stepping in between the popular group and their scapegoat. :-o

I am grateful to them, for trying… yet, they never wanted to be my friend either. I ate lunch alone, every day, at an empty table in the cafeteria. The good thing of all of this is, I learned how to NOT treat people who are different like scum or to make fun of others, AND I’ve spent my time alone reading lots of books and learning many things about various subjects. People mistake that I am wise, when really I’m just a book-nerd. ;-)

I didn’t get popular until my adult years! It’s odd… of all of my childhood, being different meant a social-death. As an adult, being different means something “cool”, all of sudden. No matter where I go, online of offline, I seem to fall into a “popular” category. People seem to adopt me as the group’s “mascot”, to cling onto me, and to shout the ever popular sentence of, “You’re my best friend!”.

At first, I was so very happy and naive, believing this was my turn to gain real friendships in life. But the sad thing is, popularity does not mean friendship at all, and it has it’s own flaws too! For example, I was so popular that I had over 200 people chatting with me online at once… and twenty women offline, which I saw every week. But none of them stopped to learn the real me, which I was always willing to share and trying to share, but they had already made up an image for the idol already. :-/

In their eyes and minds, I would be the girl who never backed down, had no faults, was always there for others but didn’t need any help from anyone, and was so strong that nothing would ever bother me. In their eyes, I was the imagine of a person who never made mistakes, got sad or hurt, and was always happy and cheerful. They believed it was my job to help make their lives a bit sunnier, to help them with their own self-esteem issues, to tell them how to live their lives, and to never break-down emotionally myself. Of course, I ranted and roared that I was no such person, that I wasn’t made out of stone, that I am of flesh and bleed red blood, like everyone else.

But, no one cared to pay attention to that, still stepping on me and expecting me to smile and give them something to giggle at, to entertain them. It was because of the popularity, that everyone loved me… or the image they’ve created of me. That was when I had learned that I didn’t miss ANYTHING, in my school days, for not being one of the popular people. :-p

So which one do I choose? Neither! I don’t wish to be popular or an outcast. And if I must choose one of the extremes, I choose to be alone, honestly. There is a saying, “alone in a crowd”, and I had experienced that. I had so many people reading, commenting, and praising me on my writing on other sites. It felt nice, at first… but when I realized that most only thought what I wrote was great, because I was “the person”, the most popular and idolized of the site, all of that admiration and praise meant nothing.

I rather be genuinely liked, appreciated, and wanted because of myself and my weird ways. For my silly little brain. Not because a group decided to crown me as today’s fad. My blogs are obscure, hidden, not widely known. Not many read them or comment on them. And that’s heaven to me! Because I am free to express myself, without a crowd of lemmings following me and agreeing for the sake of. And also, no drama of the haters, who’s goal is to attack everything I write in order to knock me down a peg from a perceived pedestal. :-o

I don’t believe that I am better than anyone else or deserving of great popularity. I don’t even want that crown, never did and never had! I’m just being myself and voicing my thoughts, because I can and it’s entertaining for myself and to myself. If a few real and honest people want to join in my private party here, that’s cool. If not, that’s cool too, I don’t care either way. :-p

But, this chicka writes for the love of it and I don’t need a crowd to tell me if I’m wrong or right. ;-)

My point is, it’s not fun to be alone in a crowd. It’s still loneliness, just like being an outcast, except now there is a whole annoying group bothering you in your loneliness too! Without the extremes, I choose the middle ground, I choose peace! I like that there is only a few around me now, honest people, and most of all my best friend. There’s no more huge crowd, I got rid of them because it was just so draining! No more noise, no drama, just honesty and peace. A crowd means nothing to me… but two or three awesome people around, it means everything! :-)



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