A Purpose

July 12, 2010

There is always a point in ones life, when a person will stop and ask the questions… “Why am I here? What is my purpose?” Often times it’s asked in anguish, in deep confusion and pain, in the midst of chaos in ones life.

I had been asking this question of myself, since age nine, believe it or not. In the middle of my chaotic life, of the abuse I had suffered, I had wondered what was my purpose. And in the darkest of depression, I had convinced myself that my purpose was to suffer and to be the target of others, for the rest of my life. That was stupid and not true at all. But depression has a funny way of lying to a person, sometimes.

Starting at the age of nine, I had believed that my purpose was to be famous in some way, to do something extraordinary. I had thought if I had somehow became famous, or did something that could gain praise for a very long time, I would be loved and accepted. And most of all, that I would matter as a human being, I would be worth something. So as a kid, I would try to find something amazing to do, something that would get me notoriety. Of course, I never became famous from my poems and stories that I had written, or my primitive comic strips. But I had that flawed idea until age eighteen, trying my best at everything, desperate to be extraordinary at something to prove my worth.

At age seventeen I decided to become an Ordained Christian Minister and by eighteen, I had completed Bible school with high marks. Everyone was impressed with the “young minister”, patting me on the back and giving me smiles, and I threw around the title to impress more, “I’m a Ordained Minister!”.  But inside, I didn’t feel important or loved, and I felt like I was worth nothing still. And I was not content or felt that I was living out my purpose. :-(

So, at age 19 (still an Minister), I began to believe my purpose was to love someone else, a soul-mate. I do have a lot of love within me, which I need to share with someone special, as I’m happiest when I do. So I asked friends and family to set me up on blind-dates,  had paid for online dating services, looked around under every rock in my city. I got into some really dangerous and nightmarish relationships and had to scramble back out. One nightmare had permanently changed me forever… a lasting scar on my life. So, that wasn’t my right path. Though, part of my purpose is to love someone, completely and passionately, someday. But it’s not the whole picture, only a small fraction of it.

By age 27, I had finally learned that my purpose wasn’t some admirable career or a soul-mate. A step in the right direction, but then I fell four steps back… I began to think that my purpose was to help EVERYONE, especially online. I became the Ellis Island of one web-community (“Give me your tired, your poor,Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…”), offering a listening ear and friendship to anyone  and everyone who wanted it. Blood was now in the water -my blood – and the sharks did close in. I was tired and drained, used and demanded of, a free virtual shrink. And after three months of that, I took back my offer! That was NOT my purpose, clearly! But sadly, it took many months  before I had finished getting rid of the left-over sharks, which I had invited into my kiddie-pool. :-/

Finally, at age 28, I became smart.  In my past, I was looking for my purpose so far outside of myself, that I couldn’t see that the world ends with me. I felt that I had no worth, that I didn’t matter in this world, that I was less than anyone else. I still think that, sometimes… but, the thought is getting less and less. My real purpose is to take care of me, to deal with my own demons and conquer them, and to learn to accept and love ME. My purpose is to get myself together, to heal and to become stronger, so that I may love that someone special if I should meet them someday!

And until I do that, until I finish my own personal goals and heal, I don’t have any other purpose in life. My purpose it to love my family and my friends. And most of all, to love myself and to take care of me! If I’m not well or not okay within myself, then I can’t be of any use to anyone else, plain and simple. :-)

Everyone needs a purpose in life. Without one, it’s not really worth living, and it’s worse than death. I had walked for years, without one, and I felt like a walking corpse. In my own frenzy to find a purpose (and to feel alive!), I had fallen into some misguided thoughts and decisions in my past, and I still may fall into a few today. But with this purpose, it feels right and I actually feel content and worth something now. I do feel loved, accepted, and that I’m living out my purpose… for now. It may change in the future, who knows. But, I’m anxious to find out where this purpose will take me. :-)



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