My Own Fire

July 28, 2010

I do have my own dark side and inner demons, a fiery warrior spirit. I came by it honestly, as most of the people on my mother’s side of the family are this way. My mother, her siblings, and father served in the US military, in one for or another (Army, Navy, Air-force). Also my oldest brother served in the US Army, for a few years. I wanted to follow in those footsteps, but was denied due to health issues. :-(

On first glance, people notice the love, the kindness, the generosity, and true friendship that myself and my relatives are prone to share. That is the true nature of my family and myself, we are a loving and honest family by default. But, if a person hurts one of us, or our friends, or does some despicable crime in front of our eyes… the demon in us emerge. It’s like throwing fresh meat within a pack of angry dogs. I wouldn’t recommend it!

I believe that no matter how sweet and innocent a person is on the outside, they still have a level of aggression within them. The only difference between a homicidal maniac and a law abiding citizen is a conscious choice to not harm others. And this is always an more conscious decision to not harm, rather to do harm, because to kill is a basic human instinct. It takes very little effort to make the choice to kill a person in the heat of a great anger, but it takes a greater effort and time to actually find alternative and more civilized ways to deal with a bad situation. But most of us have the ability to stop short of murder or homicide, because of the complex emotions of empathy, moral beliefs, and social acceptances.

As for wars, I always hate the end result of it, of innocent civilians getting caught in the middle and losing their lives. I also hate the loss of life of both armies fighting, and I’m always wishing for a future where conflicts can be solved fairly without bloodshed. On the other hand, I am not so naive to believe that the world would ever be without wars or that some wars are not necessary. For example, if there were not a war against the Nazis, then that terror to humanity would have rein much longer than it did. A whole race would have been eliminated, England would be forever destroyed, and who’s to say the Nazis would have stopped at only genocide. :-/

But back to my point… I do have a level of aggression within me. People often see the first side of my personality, the caring and true friend, but underestimate my dark side. That’s okay, as kind and loving friends and family rarely get to see that side of me anyways. But, for those who like to take advantage or want to take me for granted, underestimating that side of me is a huge mistake. I won’t get into how or why, but I will admit that I can get pretty nasty and impossible to deal with, at that point. :-p

I am capable of being dangerous to another physically, but only in extreme situations, where the lives of my friends and family are threaten… or my own life is in danger. I am a survivor, by default, and I’m not above doing physical harm to protect those I love or myself. Even if it means I forfeit my own life or freedom in the process of  trying to! I have no fear or hesitation there. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not, but it is the truth about me.

I’ve always had aggression within me, since I was a little girl, as I would role-play it with dolls often. The dolls would have wars, get into brutal fights against each other, always slapping and punching each other. Some of this play was based on what I watched on tv, in a era where there were no tv-ratings for violence, and the show “Cops” had episodes that showed real dead-bodies on crime scenes. Also Loony Tunes and “Tom & Jerry” cartoons were prone to whip out a firearm, point the weapon to the heads of other characters, and sometimes fire. And they’ve said that “The A-Team” was the most violent show of that era… Right!

Another part of it, I believe, is that I got the aggression through genes. Not only from my mother’s side, but also from my birth-father (which he happens to have psychopathic tendencies). So, aggression has always been a part of my genetic make-up, as person. HOWEVER, I was never one to harm another peer, to be a bully at school (though I was often bullied), or to harm even an insect. Some neighboring boys found it fun to catch fireflies, removing their “lights” from the insect, thus killing the bug. I was the little girl, pleading for them to stop with tears in my eyes, empathy for the insects. I believe that my empathy for all living creatures, and my inner morals, is what keeps my aggression from turning into criminal behavior.

But where does my aggression go? It’s there within me, always. Growing up, it would come out with the role-play. When I finally got my own gaming console at age fifteen, my aggression came out in the form of many fighting games, like Mortal Kombat and Streets Of Rage. And through the years, with every new console, I always own at least five new fighting/shoot-em-up games.

Beyond that, I do use my written words as a weapon sometimes. Okay, often… seesh. I do have a sort of aggressive side to my arguments, though I never intend to cause harm, it’s just my way of expressing myself. Also, my writing sometimes is a way for me to release the anger, frustration, and hostility that I have inside of me. Though people shouldn’t fear because these flames are very well controlled and, in most cases, they smother out as fast as they begin. ;-)



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