Why Do We Hurt Each Other?

August 3, 2010

People aren’t perfect and we do make mistakes. We all sometimes make the mistake of hurting the ones we love. Though many of us try to make up for it, to soothe the person we’ve hurt, and to never repeat it again. This is the normal flaw of human beings within social interaction, with lovers, family, or friends.

But, I often wonder and worry about bullying, the female diva-tude, the most negative interactions between women and young girls. Why do we constantly seek to hurt and destroy another female? :-/

I think about this, because my mother is worried that I have too many male friends. I am kind of butchy, I will admit, and I love just being “one of the guys.” I fit in well with other males and I always feel free to be myself around them. The reason why I prefer to be around males, more than females, is simply because males tend to hurt less. Yes, males are not as sensitive as females or understanding of  many delicate things. I can’t chat to a guy about periods or cramps, because they get all weird and uncomfortable, some will giggle like a school-boy. Yes, I have tried to talk with males about the subject, if it isn’t obvious. :-p

However, males are prone to be more forthcoming and honest with a person. If they don’t like you, you will know it. If they think you suck, they will say so, and not pretend otherwise. In other words, males don’t “play nice” for the sake of it. They must like you, in order to be nice to you, plain and simple. Most males don’t enjoy the game of pretending to like you, in order to get close enough to later destroy you completely. Only in extreme cases, if a male is a psychopath or has any other extreme mental conditions. Which says a lot, as this behavior is the female default in social groups.

In a group of female friends, or fraternities, or even a workplace setting, there is this vibe, this ugly thing, that happens. I don’t know what to call it, but it’s highly unpleasant. Whenever I am introduced into a group of women, on social sites or in person (like in school or group therapy), I get the vibe that everyone is not happy with the “new kid” showing up. I also get the feeling that most have made up their minds already and decided that I am not worthy of the group. This could be paranoia and I had often waved off my instincts as being so. And that horrible vibe is quickly forgotten, after bright smiles appear almost instantly, with friendly hugs and welcomes. But this is only stage one…

First, these women ask me the basics about myself. After I’ve been through this numerous of times, I’ve finally picked up on the pattern. They ask, but will interrupt you, as you try to answer them fully, not really wanting to know a real answer. For example, a woman and her group asked me if I had any siblings. I replied, “Yes, I do.” But before I could tell her how many siblings I had, their gender, and maybe their ages or occupations, she cut me off in mid-sentence and moved on to the next question. The others followed in many questions at once also. She didn’t really want to know the details about me or my life, just the basics to sniff me out.

There is a “circling” that happens, with already established female groups or cliques. Everyone will be judging and asking rapid fire questions at once, sniffing you out, trying to figure out if you should be let in or kicked out. You are judge solely on your initial answers and how well you phrase it. But if it’s decided that you are not one of them, they won’t tell you that! No, that would be the nice thing to do, or the easiest on the new person, which would make the “fresh meat” move on. Males will tell you instantly that you didn’t make the cut. Females will decide to have a little fun with you first. :-/

Also, guys will most likely punch another guy in the face, if threaten by the new guy. For females, they are more apt to attack you psychologically. Which can leave permanent scars, longer than any physical hit, for many years. I know this, because I still have the scars of high-school, from a group of popular girls who had their “fun” of tearing my self-esteem to shreds, to the point I would collapse into tears and would not eat lunch. I spent all of high-school skipping lunch, as that was where they would get me the most! But they still managed to trap me, before the day was out, in a empty hall or bathroom. And these attacks were everyday! Even though I’m well into my adult years, I am still haunted and it comes up in any therapy. Meanwhile, these teen girls have long grown up and moved on, and most likely don’t remember me… but I still remember them!

Bullying is a huge problem in today’s society, not only with females, but for males also. And it can leave long-term psychological damage to it’s victims. And females are the most brutal toward their female victims, because the attacks are basically ripping apart the victims self-esteem and self-worth. The goal of a female bully is to make their victim hate themselves or possibly harm themselves. In high-school, it was so very vicious for me, and I did slip into deep depression and self-harming (cutting and suicidal attempts). And this made my bullies happier, when it was clear that they had inflicted pain.

Only thing is, people try to claim that stupid saying of “kids can be cruel”, shrugging it off as bad behavior for children. Even if we can forget the fact that being bullied as a child is very damaging, my own  female bullies didn’t stop at age 18. It continued until age 28. Many adult women can be bullies as well, just taking the bad behavior from the school-yard and into the work-place and community social groups, as they grow up into super-bullies. Even some “professionals” (doctors and therapists) can grow up and still be bullies. And it’s  more dangerous this way, than when  persons were children,  because as an adult, they have a further reach to do harm.

I just have to wonder, why are some women bent on tearing down another woman? In a world, where we are all still trying gain equality for our gender, why are we the ones tearing each other down so much? :-o

It could be low self-esteem, of a person’s own inner struggles with self-worth. For many of my female bullies, children and adults, this was the obvious reason. I only became the target of bullying, right after an authoritative figure or “leader” type person gave me a little praise on something.

I do know that not every female is this way, in spite of the number of times this has happened to me. But, this is why I hang out with mostly men… less drama. ;-)



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