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A Newer Me

October 27, 2010

I do find myself a little different, these days. I don’t know, a new attitude has swept over me about the people in my life, relatives and friends alike. I did start off my autumn season, with breaking unhealthy ties. There are a few who are still around, but in time, I’ll break those as well. Those who are left are just a little more sensitive than the rest and there’s no need for me to become heartless… even though they’re pretty heartless toward me. I’ll put up with it, for a second more, then I will cut the cord. Though, if they were becoming a drain on my family and other friends, I’d have no trouble cutting them loose NOW! I don’t love those, who don’t care a thing about me, more so than I care about the comfort of my loved ones. When it’s just me dealing with bad people, then I can suffer it a bit longer, before I make my final steps. But when it affects my family or friends, then it’s time for that person to go bye-bye  immediately, with no hesitation! :-p

For now, I’m doing well, and I feel more free these days! My FaceBook list has been drastically cut in half and I have less headaches in my mornings. But there is another change happening with me and it kind of caught me off-guard too. But, I’ll have to start from the beginning…

Ever since the age of six, I was taught that to prove to others you care for them and that you are a worthy friend, you had to buy that person gifts. Now, this is only an reason to my poor behavior, not an excuse. I did choose to continue with this very flawed logic, up until age 28, on my own. It seemed like a very logical idea to me at the time, as I did seem to gain friends and keep them for a very long time, with buying them expensive items or giving them large sums of money. I didn’t realize the quality of people I had drawn around me, they called me “friend”, while all the long taking advantage of my self-esteem issues and generous ways. Not until a couple in Ireland had scammed me out of over three-hundred US dollars, in the matter of ten months, and then told me to “piss off” (go away), when they were done getting what they could. :-(

And that’s when I had to face my issues in therapy, about how I often feel inadequate and “not good enough”, to be someone’s friend on my own merits. On paper, it made sense that I shouldn’t over-compensate for my own perceived short-comings, especially in the way of tossing money at others. That I should feel good about myself and trust that my personality and time spent is enough to make friends and to keep them. But, the truth is… if I haven’t made a wonderful and most loving best friend, I may have went back to my ways of trying to prove to others that I’m a great friend, by opening my pockets to them.

I have LONG put away that attitude and I’ve been spoiled by the new idea that myself is good enough. I WILL NOT spend a dime on a person, to prove that I am a worthy friend or to gain a chance at friendship. Now I feel that if a person demands or expects payment from me, in order for me to be allowed to call them my friend, that person is scum and not my type. That’s not a person I want to be around and they are NOT worthy of my time and of my friendship. ;-)

This is not a new revelation, as I felt this way since Spring. However… the change is, that it’s not just a rule for just strangers and friendships anymore. It also applies to relatives and “family friends” now. :-o

Around October, every year, I begin shopping for Christmas presents! And… I have bought presents, for my sister and mother. I was going over my list and realized that the rest were of relatives and one family friend, who NEVER care enough to give me a present back. Not even a thank-you, a plain Christmas card, or a random email to just say hello to me. Yet every year, I have some huge expensive present or card full of cash for them. They take, but don’t seem to appreciate it or give back in return. Instead, I get the excuse of, “Oh, I don’t have any money now, but I’ll get some later. I’ll get you something nice.” But later never comes. :-(

Keep in mind, I’m not rich and a lot of times I go without, in order to provide people with gifts or cash cards. And these people all have incomes that are four or five times the amount of mine. I’m not one to demand that every time I give a gift, that I get an gift in return… But in the ten years that I have been doing this, you would think I would have at least gotten ONE Christmas card. No. So… the shocking change this year is, as far as I’m concerned, I’m done with my Christmas shopping for this year. ;-)

I will have a lot of extra money for myself, which I will either save or spend on some frivolous things that I want, for a change. I no longer feel the need to look out for others who don’t care to look out for me. It’s not my job to have presents and money available for those who never care to wish me a happy holiday or get me a little gift. If I want to give in the spirit of the season, without expecting anything in return, there are PLENTY of charities that I can donate to! And I may donate to a few! :-)

But, this is a new attitude for me. It feels a little weird, but I’m going with it. I don’t feel like spending my money, to prove my worth and care to others, anymore. Even if the persons are relatives! There are only three people on the planet, that I care to share gifts and money with, just for the sake of. That is my mother, my sister, and my best friend. Even though, all three do not  want it, nor ask for it! The reason why I want to share with them is because they care and talk with me daily. They don’t disappear from my life, then show up every Christmas, with their hands held out. They care, every day, to keep in contact with me and to find out what’s going on in my life… And vice versa! I want to share with them, because I love them.

Now… my best friend fights me tooth and nail on this! LOL! He doesn’t want my money, never had and never will. But one day I will win, giving him a nice gift, even if I have to slip into ninja-mode to do it! And my sister doesn’t ask nor want anything from me either… but, she couldn’t say no to a new kick-ass cellphone, for this year. :-p

I love to share and enjoy gifts with the real people in my life. And I feel better, now that I’m letting go of the selfish and thoughtless people, relatives or not. I feel that I’m making room in my life, for me to grow up more, emotionally and spiritually. :-)

-D

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2 comments

  1. I hear ya all right.
    How can I say, I’m pleased for you that you are dealing with that money=friends idea because sometimes it’s implanted within you for all the best reasons. Hey even Dracula wanted to be friends with someone as he needed a drink!, but as you found out all too many just want a slice of your money with no real sense of being cared for, appreciated and respect for your gifts. And yes YOU have gifts!
    Christmastime is as good as any to give consideration to who your real friends are and to share gratitude for each other in whatever form you’re most comfortable with. I think too many just go through the motions of giving without really giving of themselves if you get my drift.And that’s the biggest gift of all.

    Love Caroline
    xxx


  2. Yep!
    It’s an non-issue for me now, as I can’t stand to be used by others or vice versa. I enjoy the time and company of others MORE so than gifts, on the holidays. My favorite part to any gathering is spending time with people. And since the people in question don’t spend much time with me (only to get the present and money, then rush away), I really don’t care to donate to them this year. However, I have already looked into different causes, like animal shelters and toys for children. I may spend my money there, next month! ;-)

    Stay your cool self, Caroline! :-D



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