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November Mumblings

November 1, 2010

It is now the month of November, with the same feeling I have every year, of quiet silence and wondering, “What’s next?” :-/

October is always my busy month of celebration and new beginnings. I am past the drama and complications of breaking ties with some and forging stronger bounds with others. And my relationships will pretty much stay the same, until next October, unless extreme circumstances occur before next year. But it rarely does. :-p

I have gained new hobbies and new interests, expanding my world just a little, for example – delving into the world of conspiracy theories. Just for fun, as I am careful to take all information that is not grounded in scientific fact, with a grain of salt. But hanging around those sites have been interesting, for the most part. It’s always interesting to see and try to understand the human mind and it’s process of information, whether the information is true or highly speculative, as this shows the pure form of the human spirit and creativity. ;-)

My best friend will be leaving me soon, for a long while, to travel a brave new path in life. This will be very useful experience toward his own spirit and for the wellness of his family too. I will miss him a LOT, but I am happy for him and will be waiting for him, until he returns. In the meanwhile, I decided to get back to my previous hobbies (like video games and reading books). Also I will go back to my attempts to learn a new language (Spanish), as I have been lax with that all summer and part of this autumn. Maybe when he returns, I will be fluent. Who knows? :-p

But for everything else, I haven’t a clue on what else is next for me, or my life. I rarely do in November, which also happens to be my birth month. I will turn… I will be… (swallow)…. 30 years old! I often wonder, where has my youth gone to!? I know, for those who are older, you may think I’m silly. But seriously, I had so many plans for my life, when I was younger. By age 30, I was suppose to be about and into so many things, which I am not. I have no children, no husband, no picket fence, or kick-ass career. Nor am I living in Japan! LOL!

However, I’m not in regret of what I don’t have now. But I’m truly wondering, “Where did the time go, so fast?” I think it’s time for me to stop spinning my wheels and procrastinating on carving out a solid lifestyle for myself. Keep in mind, I say and feel this, but most likely I’ll stay a slacker for ten more years. I happen to love this hippy-life of mine, of just going with the flow and not planning much. I do know that I will have to stop and make steps in the real world soon… but not today. I’m having fun still. :-p

But the funny thing is… I may not be some famous writer (with only a blog that gets minimum views daily, and at least one of the readers is my mother!), and I may not have the 2.3 kids and the wonderful hubby, the nice size house with barbecues in the backyard, or that backyard being located in Japan. HOWEVER, when I look back on the things that I am now, and how far I’ve traveled, it’s pretty amazing. Not Japan-amazing, but it’s NICE. :-)

I was once a girl wrecked with deep depression and suicidal tendencies. I had no friends, wasn’t close with relatives, and anything I wrote was simply to myself… in hand written journals or saved on my hard-drive. I was constantly in and out of very bad (sometimes dangerous) dating relationships. I had no hopes for the future, no real wishes for it, and wanted nothing more than to die every day. I even took up smoking cigarettes, as a way of self-harming myself, hoping that with every drag I was getting closer and closer to death… that is, when I wasn’t trying to accelerate the process with numerous suicide attempts. :-/

And then one year (at the age of 27), I went to get help all on my own, without anyone pushing me toward it. I was put on an anti-depressant and spent two years in therapy. The medication did numb me out, enough to slow me down in my suicidal attempts, and to work on my own inner demons and issues. The first year of therapy helped me vent and put all of those issues onto the table. But the second year was held by a very incompetent therapist (I don’t know how she was able to get an license, to be honest!), so I had to work though each issue on my own.

The end result is, I have not been depressed for a few years now, and I’m still going strong. And I’m no longer on medication! Also, I have quit smoking, thanks to the encouragement of my best friend. Don’t get me wrong, bad things still happen and I have bad days, I feel sad sometimes. However, I never seem to fall into THAT place, that darkness, anymore. I cope better now. I have my meltdowns and cry from time to time, but after the storms have passed, I pick myself up again and move on. I heal again. And that is pretty amazing, being that I had to find that coping mechanism within myself, all by myself. ;-)

I look forward to the future and I’m NOT ready to die. I have so many things I want to do, see, and experience. I want to grow old and laugh while doing so! As for my career, my future family, the future home, I have no idea when or where that’s going to happen. Or IF it ever will. Or how to get myself there. But, eventually I will figure it out on my own, I have no doubt.

I thank the Goddess and God, the kindness of my best friend and family, for giving me the extra courage that I need in my current travels. :-)

-D

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2 comments

  1. Hi there

    Long distant hugs coming your way!
    Yes, you’ve travelled a long from when I first encountered you and that road was a bit shaky wasn’t it, but you got there on your terms.
    I am so proud of you.

    Megahugs, Caroline
    xxxxx


  2. Aww! Thanks so much, Caroline. Hugs right back ya! :-D
    Yeah, when you had first met me, I was just starting on my journey. And over the many months, I have walked pretty far. But I still have far yet to go.
    Now that Nancy Sinatra song is playing in my head! “Are you ready, boots? Start walkin’!” ;-)



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