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I Love Intensely!

November 3, 2010

One of the honest facts about me is that I am an intense kind of person. I do try to warn people of this, when they first meet me, as it’s not always shown from the outside. In person, people seem to mistake my silence for shyness, or a non-interest in my surroundings, and also that I’m just “not there” or not paying attention to conversations. I am paying closely attention to everything said and done around me. I’m always alert, my mind locks onto EVERYTHING, and I never forget major important parts of the information streaming in. My facial reactions and my voice (or lack thereof) rarely gives away any sign that my brain is processing anything. If I were good at gambling, I would have a good poker-face for sure. :-p

So it’s easy for others to not notice my intense nature, until situations or deep conversations come up. Then people quickly learn that I am highly obsessive, when it comes to being grateful to another; highly outspoken and blunt, when it comes to urging those I care about to do the right thing; I’m highly poetic and flattering, when honestly praising another; and I’m highly protective of those I call close friends or family. In other words, I love intensely. I don’t know how to love or care for another, any other way. Not sure if it’s a good thing or bad, but it’s the true me.

Some do get upset with me, believing that I’m full of “hot-air”, when I praise them. They believe that I’m just “sucking up” or making flowery speeches to get on their good side. Though, those persons need to get to know me a little better. If a person knows me well, they would also know that I don’t give a crap to say nice things or “suck-up” if I don’t really FEEL it or see it. Though, most of my praises come from the FEEL part of me, my true emotions and heart. If I don’t feel it, then I don’t say it, period. I’m the type that’s not going to say, “Your dress looks very nice!” if I believe that it’s the most ugliest thing I ever saw. In fact… if a person were to hassle me on how their ugly dress looks, I will break down and say, “You couldn’t find a better dress? It’s the most ugliest thing I’ve seen!” So, it’s best to not go fishing for compliments from me, if I haven’t already mentioned it. You may just get the REAL TRUTH instead. :-p

My point is, when I go on and on to people about their talents or something cool that they’ve tried, I mean it. And I know that my speeches, that are often very long, seems pre-written but it’s not. When I praise others, especially those I care about, my heart takes over and all the words spill out at once, unedited. And after I’m done spewing out all the compliments, I feel a little embarrassed and weird, for exposing my heart like that. So, it pisses me off when a person excuses me of being “full of it”, when I just poured my true heart out and became a little vulnerable in the process of it. That’s the quickest way to stop me from complimenting you altogether. :-/

Also with relationships, I am intense. Not psycho, Kathy Bates in “Misery”, intense. I assure you! Hobbling a person takes a lot of effort and time, and not to mention that it’s GROSS. And I rather use my energies for video games instead! But, I do love very deeply, loyal to the end, friend-for-life kind of deal. In romantic relationship, I’m committed to that person only and always, until that person cheats on me or does something worse than that. Then it’s bye-bye for them, which means I dump them and move on. If I feel that I can’t trust a person to be truthful with me or to not cheat on me, then it’s not worth my time. But if it’s an solid, non-abusive, and honest relationship, for better or worse, I am by their side for life.

It’s the same for friendships also! I’m always by a person’s side, unless they turn their backs on me or hurt me in some unforgivable way (like hurting my family or causing me great pain on purpose and unapologetically). That’s when I’m walking away and never coming back.

I don’t know the reason for why I am so passionate, obsessive at times, and highly intense. I feel emotions very intensely too. When I first began to look into astrology (for entertainment) and I had learned that my sign is Scorpio. And the description of Scorpio is that it’s  a very intense sign by nature. This is not why I am me or continue to be myself, but only a banner that I like to wave as proof that it’s OKAY for me to be me. Not that I need proof, I’m going to be me regardless. ;-)

And yes, in all the horoscopes for Scorpio, there are the warnings of, “Try and let go of the choke-hold, Scorpio.” and “Try to not let your emotions flare up too much today, Scorpio.” So, too much intensity isn’t a good thing, I know. I do try to scale down my passion, out of good common sense, as I don’t want others to feel uncomfortable around me. That’s never my goal. :-/

On the other hand, that doesn’t mean that I won’t be myself and hide my true nature completely! And if people can’t deal with that, then it’s really up to them to stop hanging around me. It’s no skin off my back. I rather be around those who can accept me for me, as I try to accept people for who they are. And if I can’t, I walk away and not try to badger them to become what I want them to be. I ask for the same respect in return, from others, nothing more  and nothing less than that.

A good sign that I don’t really care for you or about you, is that I will say nothing either way, about anything you say or do in life. If everything you do and say seems right by me, because I don’t say a word about it, that’s because I basically DON’T CARE to say anything about it. So, people should really start to worry, when I don’t say much and nod my head at everything they say and do. At that point, I’m not really “there” with them anymore and my thoughts are in the line of, “Why won’t this person leave me alone??? I need to find an escape from them. They suck!”

And it’s the same feeling I get when people become silent around me. When people speak up about something that I’m doing right or wrong, out of praise or concern, I don’t see it as an attack or a suck-up. I see that they care about me, honestly, and with no strings attached. If I hear the sounds of crickets, after many sentences I share with them, and if it happens too often, then I am worried that they just don’t care and want me to go away. And that’s when I usually do walk away and never return. I can also take a hint, sometimes. ;-)

-D

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6 comments

  1. I’m a lot like this too. I hide what’s going on inside and maybe can seem sort of indifferent most of the time. I also am a very emotional person, but I’m not super comfortable showing real emotion around most people. Only a few know the real emotions I carry around inside. I only share if I feel that the person I’m sharing with cares about me on some level. It’s hard to find people like that though so it usually only comes out with my sister. Being open about myself is really hard for me. I rarely talk about myself or my life. Partly because there really isn’t much to tell and because I like to keep to myself. I’m an intensely private person by nature so it’s a struggle to deal with normal life sometimes. I sometimes wonder what I seem like to other people. I get along with most people though so I guess I’m not too weird. :D


  2. Well, thehooded, I’m a little different. Heh. It’s not that I am hiding my emotions, just in person I’m more laid-back with them. But whenever the chance comes around or the occasion, I will let loose, without a problem! No, I meant in my scribbles here, is that it’s not always visible to others what I’m thinking or feeling, so people assume that I am not thinking or feeling anything. But if they’d ask, well… they may get more than what they expected! lol. :-p
    Though, I understand what you mean, about keeping things to yourself. I share MOST of myself with others, but I don’t share everything. Some things are just private. And for what it’s worth… what I think of you is, that you’re a very deep soul, with a great talent in art, and a very mysterious aura about you. :-)


  3. I get the idea as I’m the same way. One way to describe it is having a greater emotional depth, that’s to say your range of feelings are wider and possibly less shallow than what some people are used to.
    You know all that social niceties playing down your emotions and little white lies stuff.


  4. Heehee! You may have a point there, Caroline. ;-)
    The insincere social niceties (by that, I mean the “just playing nice”, because the person feels they have to, not because they WANT to) and little white lies to cover up the truth of feelings, DOES fall into the shallow end of the pool. Also it stunts people’s emotions too and makes it harder for people to just be their true-selves, later in life. :-/

    I use to “play nice” all the time, and it was a little white lie of agreeing with people that I didn’t agree with, just to fit in with society. But, I’ve LONG left those days behind me, way back in my teen years. I wouldn’t say that I have greater depth of emotions, no greater than anyone else, as I’m too modest for that claim! But I will agree that my emotions are FAR from being fake or shallow. ;-)


  5. Mysterious huh? My sister jokes and calls me “dark and mysterious”. LOL. I do wish I was more open at times though. It’s just so hard for me and I’m still learning how to small talk. I think the homeschooling made me a little inept in the normal social things like small talk and flirting. OMG, I don’t get flirting at all. I’ve never done it and I don’t think I ever will. It’s just so awkward.

    I hate the phoniness of most people. I think that’s why I tend to stay quiet. Real feelings are way more interesting and more honest. It’s so draining to fake smile and be a phony, but I must admit sometimes you have to pretend. Especially at work because no one likes a miserable employee.


  6. Hmm, thehooded, I wouldn’t say that there is anything wrong with you being yourself. If you’re not open and don’t care for small-talk, that’s cool. And it doesn’t make you weird or not “normal”, or any of that bull-crap that people try to label others as. Don’t change it for anyone. Only change for yourself and only if you feel like it. ;-)

    And yeah… I don’t get the pretending thing that people do. I never pretend, not since I was a teen and a little of my young-adult years. I’m too stubborn and blunt now, to “play nice” anymore. So, no fake smiles from me! Then again, I’m a slacker who mainly keep to herself, so I don’t have to do much that I don’t want to do, in my own world. :-p



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