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Have A Little Faith In Me

November 11, 2010

This is something that I have often wondered about and have discussed with family. I have the uncanny luck of making friends with some pretty decent men, every now and then, in my life. A few times, the men were not all that decent, though. I’m thinking of three guys who had called themselves my friends, in the past. No need to name names and rehash that. But, what they all had in common was, they were married! :-o

Now, I don’t have a like specifically for married men. I don’t seek out these men, a lot of time they have approached me first… come to think of it, in every case, they were the ones to contact me first. :-p

I am not a home-wrecker, I’m VERY much against infidelity and I’m very snobbish about wanting the mates of someone else. I can’t stand “sloppy-seconds”! Meaning, if I ever was to fall in love again and be devoted to someone, they would HAVE TO BE single. Even if a guy still has a girlfriend. that’s a deal-breaker! And if they’re married, I really don’t want any parts of that! I don’t care how miserable they claim to be in their marriage either! I’m very much into the hopeless romantic idea of me being the guy’s one and only, and vice versa. And there’s no room in my love-universe for another woman to reside in! Or another man, if that’s the way the guy swings. :-p

But in these friendships with married men, it was NEVER romantic and always platonic! I insist on that and if the guy is looking for more than a friendship with me, and they are supposed to be committed to someone else, that guy is scum to me… And I will back away from them, A LOT, calling off all contact for good. In many of these cases, the man’s wife did know of me, the quirky friend of their husband. With a few men, I had to stay hidden, like a dirty little secret. This makes me a lot uncomfortable, because I’m nothing for any wife to worry about. A lot of times, I’m the girl who’s standing up for their side, when their husbands come to vent on some issue at home. Which helps the husband understand and love their wife even more, to kiss and to make up, a lot of the times. :-)

I may be weird or just don’t fit in, but my own feelings on this is that I would hope that if I ever get married someday, my husband would have that safe female-friend to smack him in the head and explain to him how women work. And I would always wish for him to have a friend, female or male, that he could chat with when chatting with me isn’t an option. And this is not a case of a naive girl who has never experienced being in a relationship, where the guy has a close female friend. I’ve been there, done that, and wouldn’t mind it again. :-p

My last ex was an nudist. And his best friends were a married couple, a man and woman, who were also nudists. They often were together at the couple’s home, naked together. He made a point to tell me that at the start of the relationship, along with his close female friend confirming it, to make sure if that would be a problem or not. Now, I’m very modest and could never be naked around my friends. The whole idea was very ODD to me! Yet, I just shrugged my shoulders and made a snide joke, that if I were to ever hang out with them together, everyone would have to be clothed or I would run shrieking into the night! But, the fact was, I trusted my ex boyfriend with the female friend, even naked. And I believed him and her, when they both told me it was nothing sexual. I was right to trust that, because there really wasn’t anything sexual going on. My ex became my ex, because he lied about so many other things, one of the lies being that he was a heterosexual, when he was really a gay man. And I found out, publicly, that I was really his unknowing “beard”. So, the nudist part was the only truth that he had told me. :-/

But my point is, even in such an unlikely extreme, I had trust and faith in him that he wasn’t cheating on me with his close female friend. The way I feel about it, if I can’t trust a person to not be honest and to not be loyal to me, then it’s not worth the relationship in the first place. Had I not believed in his words or the words of the female friend, then I would have never dated him in the first place. It would have ended it right there! And so many women (and guys) may read this and think that I am nuts… I am. But, I’m also so secure in myself that I’m not easily jealous or suspicious about the trust I have in others, unless proven otherwise. If my instincts tell me that nothing sneaky is happening, then nothing sneaky is. My instincts never lie to me, my emotions and heart does, but never my gut.

But, I digress. Of the men I’ve made friends with, only two had a very awesome and secured wives. They didn’t mind that I was their husband’s friend, they even became my friends also! What happened with one couple is, we simply lost touch with each other. I do miss them and think of them often… but I have long lost their contact information and they’ve lost mine. The other couple, even though the wife was very nice and I liked her a lot, her husband was a lot manipulative and dangerous sometimes. I had to break ties with him, thus with her too. :-(

And of the men who have wives, but I must stay hidden, it’s a little sad. One man was very awesome and a lot older than me, by ten years. He loved anime and flying personal airplanes. He also had lots of male friends, whom he bounded with and often went flying with. He enjoyed the same band (U2) as I do and we would spend hours analyzing each of the songs. But he had to sneak and send me copy of a very cool anime series, named “Lain”, in order to not upset the wife. I still look onto those dvds with love and appreciation, within my collection. But, I wasn’t able to send him a gift back, for fear that his wife would freak out! :-o

It’s a shame that I couldn’t return the favor. And now I’ve lost touched with him for a year now, and he doesn’t even have a gift from me, to remember me by. That’s when I decided to never again accept gifts from men who can’t openly send them or receive them back. And it feels like I’m doing something wrong, in just being a guy’s friend. And friendship should never be viewed as a bad thing,  just because a person is married. I don’t know, maybe that’s just my way of living or thinking. :-/

But what I see is, when wives forbid a man to make friends with females, they’re not winning with this move. The guys are still seeking out friendships with females, even more so, behind their backs. It would be the same if a man forbade his wife from having male friendships. It’s not fair to forbid and to cut someone’s freedom, especially when that person’s intentions is never to cheat in the first place. Sectioning off gender for friendships, based on an unfounded fear, doesn’t make any sense to me. If I believe that my guy is the wandering type, a cheater in wait, then I wouldn’t want to stay committed to him. I think it’s a very horrible way to live, worrying if your significant other (spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend) is cheating on you all the time.

When do you get to relax and enjoy the relationship, when all of your thoughts and plotting is towards the prevention of stopping a person from committing infidelity? And even if you banned all of the people of the opposite sex from being friends with your significant other, does that really guaranteed that the person will not cheat? There is the workplace, when the person goes to the store, or any time they leave the house. If a person is going to cheat, then there’s no stopping them, it’s going to happen regardless. And if a person has to stoop to being overly controlling, like following their significant other EVERYWHERE they go, monitoring their calls, and hiring spies… It’s a clear sign that the relationships isn’t too healthy. You can’t change people and you can’t stop a person from doing the wrong thing!

So, I choose to have a little faith in the people that I may date in the future, like I had in my past. And if I find that I can’t trust them, then it’s over. It sounds simple, but it’s not easy to break up with someone, to be broken hearted. But, it hurts more to be in a relationship without trust. Or so, this is what I have experienced. What good is a committed relationship, if you can’t trust that the person you are with is really committed?

I do hope that my future spouse would have faith in me, also. Because, I’m not going to stop being friends with males and I’m highly faithful to any guy that I am with. I’m not nor ever will be a cheater. If he’s that insecure, as to try to forbid me from having male friends, he’s not the person for me. ;-)

-D

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