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I Am Beyond My Words

December 20, 2010

I’ve been thinking a lot, as I often do, maybe over analyzing about my past and my current life. Mostly about my self-image and my writing, which are two different things, but both seem to be mixed together in most people’s minds.

It all started with a certain site, which I still refuse to give it name on this blog, yet a few of my readers know exactly what site I speak of. It’s been over three years now, since the first time I had logged into that site, yet I seem to be running away from it still. Or at least keeping the lesson that I had cruelly learned from it. People tend to mix up my writings (my amateur scribblings) for me, my essence, and who I am as a person. My writings are just a small part of me, and I honestly don’t share all of me within it, only about 10-13%. The real and true me is much more complicated and expansive,  more than what I write, how I write it, or what I care to share. I feel like a broken record, even within this blog, with it’s many disclaimers posted. I fear a cult-following, like I had at this other site, forming and chasing me again. :-/

On this other site, in the matter of months, I had written posts there that people loved and responded to. Any writer, amateur or not, do appreciates praise and admiration for their work. I was highly flattered and it felt good, to get these wonderful claims that my randomized thoughts, views, and ideas were deeply felt by the readers and helped them in some way. Though, it also felt weird that so many (over two-hundred people) took my words and thoughts so seriously, while I never take myself so seriously or view life as seriously as my passionate words portray. Sure, I feel deeply about some things, but not everything I post is meant to be so dire or so written in stone, as if it was prophecy. And too many of these people followed me around like a messiah, which I never want that job, not for a million dollars. :-p

Really… I only write what I see is good common sense, emphasis on the word “common”. Anyone can know what I know, easily. And what conclusions I find about and in life, I had learned it from somewhere or someone else. I’m just choosing to live these examples in my life and then repeating them in writing, just for the sake of. In other words, all that I write (unless it’s a fiction story) I didn’t make up myself… I got it from elsewhere and thought to myself, “this makes sense”, thus following it with my own free-will. So it was disturbing, when people of this site began to follow, use, and pattern their lives around everything I wrote or expressed. :-o

I am just a young woman who have yet to learn more in this life. I write this blog (as I had written on that site), just for the sheer fact that I enjoy writing. Also, a lot of times, I’m bored and writing is a great source of entertainment for me. It’s fine if people also find entertainment in my writings too or agree with the same views as I do, as long as they agreed with the logic before I ever wrote it down. On the highway of life, I’m just walking on the side-roads, trying to find my way home and picking my own directions to go. If a person is heading that way, regardless if they spot me walking on that side-road or not, and then decide “Hey, I’d like that girl to hop into the car and keep me company, as we’re going the same way.”, that’s cool. We’ll both go to hell in a hand-basket together… Or heaven. You never know. =p

But, if that person was on the opposite lane, heading elsewhere on the road of life, then cuts across traffic sending other cars flying in fireballs, desperate to give me a ride to a place they may think is better than where they were once headed… This move give me the creeps, not to mention it’s stupid and reckless, and I won’t be keeping company or hitch-hiking with that person! I don’t even know if where I’m heading is correct, just following my gut, and I’m not wanting or willing to lead others down a road, which may lead to a cliff. And I have fallen off many cliffs in my life, so following me without thinking for yourself may get you into serious trouble! And I can’t stand to have that responsibility on my head. I’m only living one life for me, not to lead or to live the lives of others.

But I digress and with too many metaphors. =p

What I’m really thinking on, is that not many take the time to get to know me, beyond my words or what I write. It’s not like I’m secluded and can not be reached for conversation, either.

This is how people gain real friends, by spending time and learning each other. Not trying to capitalize on what they gleam is a person’s talent or drawing up conclusions on what a person is like based on how well they do something. Our talents are only a pale shade of ourselves. Most personalities and souls run way much deeper than that.  And I am no exception.

-D

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2 comments

  1. I understand what you mean by getting to understand the real you by being with you rather than just analyzing your writings and treating you as if that’s the all of you.
    That stuff drives me crazy but with me there’s a few people like you who don’t do that and that’s great.
    Love Caroline.


    • Heehee! I knew you would understand, Caroline… as on that site, that kind of behavior was rampant.
      And I’m happy to have had met you there too. ;-)

      But what drives me nuts the most, is that I’ve made my email and IM services known to everyone on that site, so they could have stayed in contact and spent some time getting to know me, just like my best friend did. But, they chose to follow the image they had of me, based on my writings, only. So, they really did miss out on who I’m truly am. Oh well, more for my friend, you, and a few others who stopped look beyond the words. ;-)



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