Archive for January, 2011

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A Past Memory

January 24, 2011

Lately, I have been reflecting on my past and comparing it to my present, taking some peace and appreciation on how far I have traveled in life so far. Maybe it’s because of The New Years or maybe I’m just getting older, but I have been a lot reflective this month. I am remembering my past emotional hurts, the mental struggles, and damaging past relationships. But within the memories, I had one this weekend that I had completely forgotten, of my past physical pain.

Ever since I was little girl, I was prone to getting very sick… I mean, “hospital stay” sick. And in my teens, I began to get hit by this unknown infection. I don’t know what it was, the doctors were never able to explain it, but I remember the symptoms very well. Pain and lots of it!  In my chest, there was a sharp and pressing pain as if someone had stabbed me and then decided to sit on the knife.  And also there was a painful spasm in my stomach, which would cause me to puke non-stop, until I was empty. And even then, I would dry heave for hours on end, which was a lot painful. I would try to drink fluids, never able to keep it down, not even the ice-chips that nurses tried to feed me. :-(

I was in the most horrible pain, as doctors rushed to do tests, trying to figure out what was happening to me. They gave me multiple IV bags, of plain fluid to help flush out my system, and plenty of blood tests.  I’ve had x-rays and ultrasounds too. At one point, I was misdiagnosed with Diabetes, but the doctors later found out that my blood sugar was normal. It was just a fluke, from being sick, that I had a high level of ketones in my sample, which usually signifies a person may have Diabetes. In short, I was the “Dr. House” case, which the doctors were never able to solve. :-/

The first time it had happened, I was age fifteen and a lot scared, being rushed to the local ER in terrible pain. The nurse was a lot nice and comforting, as she gave me a purple and black zebra stripped hospital band, making things a little less scary. I had endured my first IV (Intravenous therapy) that night, which was a very big deal for a teenage girl. For those who don’t know, an IV needle is very long, and it’s inserted into the top of the wrist and directly into a vein. Then it is taped still on the wrist and stays in, as the fluid bags are draining into the vein. The needle stays in, until your hospital leave. And when it’s time to leave, a nurse will pull the needle out, along with the medical tape (which seems to take a layer of skin with it… ouch!), and then the bleeding needle mark is covered with a band-aid. It hurts like hell, or so it did the first few times I’ve had one. But for my many episodes, I’ve had an IV over twenty times, before I had lost count. That pain is too familiar to me now. =p

I have been in and out of hospitals from age fifteen, until age twenty-two. And my reflective moment starts on a memory of the last time I’ve been to ER so very sick. I remember it vividly… It was the same pain in my chest and stomach, the same uncontrollable puking, the same sadness and fear that I always felt. It was in the middle of summer, the sun was setting, and my mother had gotten us a ride to one of the better hospitals in the city. My oldest brother was at his home, but offered over the phone to stop by, after my stay was over.

We were all use to the routine, by now, of me suffering in agony for five -seven hours and only spending part of the night in the ER. There had been times, back when there use to be an ER a few streets from my home, that my mother and I would walk home in the early dawn hours. I would be so tired and weak, shuffling home with my wrist hurting and bandaged from the IV, my mother holding my arm. So, we were sure it would be the same story again. And it was, for the most part. I was given some IVs to flush out my system, the doctors were baffled again, and then I was released by 2am.

My brother took a cab over to the hospital, and then caught another one for me and my mother, riding back home with us. He was in the front passenger seat, talking with the cab diver, while my mother and I were in the back seat. It was late night and I remember that it had rained while I was in the ER, but by the time we left the hospital, it had stopped. It had left the otherwise hot and muggy weather to a nice a breezy summer night. I was a lot drained, from being sick for hours, weak and wobbly but trying to pretend that I was okay. My mother saw that I wasn’t, telling me to lay down in my seat. I did lay back and looked up through the car’s back window, watching the passing skyscrapers and the bright moon in the sky. Then I had the sudden thought of, “I think I’m going to be okay now.” I don’t know how or why I knew, but that was the last time I ever gotten so sick. :-)

And in remembering that night, I do wonder if someday I’ll get that feeling again, when it comes to my slight emotional suffering and past hiccups that bind me still. I wonder if one night, I’ll look up into the sky at the moon, and have that thought again of, “I think I’m going to be okay now.” But, for what it’s worth, I know that I’m fighting forward towards reaching that day… And I feel a lot close to it too. :-)

-D

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A Man With A Dream

January 17, 2011

Today the birthday of a man is being celebrated, who fought for racial equality, a man who had a dream that one day racial segregation and hatred would end. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was born January 15th 1929. He is mostly known for fighting for civil rights of all races and for his speech given outside of the  Lincoln Memorial in 1963, titled “I have a dream”. He was also a Baptist Christian Minister, who was inspired and followed the peace teachings of Mahatma Gandhi, and was the youngest in history to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. He was tragically assassinated in April 4th, 1968.

But beyond his accomplishments and the tragedy of his death, Dr. Martin Luther King was just a man who wanted freedom for everyone. He had paved the road, giving a huge leap forward in civil rights… But we are still far from reaching his dream. We are still plagued with racial differences, biases, and hatred. All men are still not considered created, or treated, equally. Dr. King’s speech on evil and good men, still implies to current times:

“When evil men plot, good men must plan. When evil men burn and bomb, good men must build and bind. When evil men shout ugly words of hatred, good men must commit themselves to the glories of love. Where evil men would seek to perpetuate an unjust status quo, good men must seek to bring into being a real order of justice.”

Dr. Martin Luther King is still dreaming and we should all work together to make his dream come into reality, someday. I want to live in a world where a man is not judged by the color of his skin, but for the content of his character. I want to live in a world where race and differences in cultures do not matter, but how well we treat, accept, and love each other. Don’t you? :-)

I can only remember the old freedom song and hope that someday people will stop hurting each other over little insignificance differences, things like race, creed, or religion. As the old song goes: “We shall overcome, we shall overcome, we shall overcome someday. Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe. That we shall overcome someday.”

-D

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A Wow Moment…

January 13, 2011

I know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. But I feel the need today. ;-)

The truth is, for most of my life I have been trying very hard to gain the love and approval of relatives, strangers, and people that I had hoped were my friends. Someone was so gracious and honest enough to point out to me, that I have been living my life as the “Dani” that everyone sees me as, but not the “Dani” that I truly am. I had failed to be myself with myself. I am always being my true self around everyone, but denying my own talents or worth to myself. The crowd has told me that I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I’m weird, and my writing sucks… and I had let them be my judge and jury. And that’s so wrong. I am my own judge and jury, and I shouldn’t have given others so much power over me. :-/

Shoulda, coulda, woulda… It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean that I have to continue to make that mistake. Not anymore. ;-)

Something happened to me, a few days before my best friend left on his brave journey… I was standing in a dark hallway, craving and begging for  acceptance, protection, and love from another. And with all of my good deeds towards everyone, of ALWAYS following the rules and doing what I was suppose to, of never breaking my loyalty or care for anyone, it became clear that what I wanted I was never going to get. I was not going to get that same loyalty, love, and commitment back, no matter what I did or say.  I’ve always gave out this kind of unwavering love in abundance to everyone in my life, etched in stone loyalty, and willing to fight for those I claim to love. But when the chips fell down in this hallway, and I stood there begging for a fraction of that care in return, I saw that I wasn’t going to get it. People don’t owe me a blessed thing back, in return for my sacrifices or care. And my idea that if I show unconditional love to someone, they will show love back in return, was proven to be a big fat lie.

The realization hit me so very hard, that I had wasted most of my life caring for so many, who will never care for me. And these people have taken my kindness and generosity for granted, for so many years, and in spite of blood ties. I realized that no matter what, I would never get that acknowledgment, respect, and love that I have been begging for all of these years. And all at once, my words left me… Anger welled up inside of me, turning to rage, and deep unbearable pain. I had screamed, for several minutes, angry roars until I had cried. It was the years of pain and hurt that was stored inside me. And after it had left me, along with my voice for a few days, I felt a wave of peace wash over me. It was over. That negative mass of emotions was one of the major things that had held me back, all of these years, and now it was gone.

I have changed and I keep changing a little everyday. And the lesson I had learned that day was, only those who are able to give unconditional love can share it with me. And not everyone is capable of being so loyal, caring, or respectful to others. Especially, if they are not so loving towards themselves. I had expect something not possible from very broken people, who are unable to love themselves, let alone me. And so, I’m no longer looking for something that just can’t exist, from these people.

Instead, I am becoming the Dani that I see myself as, not the Dani that everyone else sees. A year ago, I would not have dared to try to publish my book, because I was too afraid of failure. Now, if I fail it doesn’t matter, as long as I had a good shot at trying. I will enjoy the journey of trying. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry and I’m nervous that no publisher will like my manuscript, that my book will be considered as crap. HOWEVER, I still want to step out there and give it my best shot. :-)

It’s winter now and I’m stuck indoors. I sleep most of the day, out of sheer boredom, and I hate this season with a passion. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels here. And I am feeling much like a big fish in a very small pound. It’s a lot frustrating at times, because I had such a huge change and I’m eager to get things started. I want to migrate to larger waters in life. I mean, I REALLY want to get out there and see the world now. I’m ready. The only thing stopping me is, I don’t know how to take the first steps or where to start. But, I’m guessing that I’ll figure it out, by and by.

But what is clear to me now is, I’m a lot free. And I’m not the woman I once was… not anymore. :-)

-D

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What I’ve Been Up To…

January 5, 2011

Well, you may have been wondering what I’ve been doing, while I’ve been away from this blog. Maybe not! Which wouldn’t surprise me, you blogger leeches! Pfft! But for those who are wondering and those who actually care beyond my writings… :-p

No, I haven’t been curled up in a ball and crying my eyes red. I did that a week ago, thank you very much! HOWEVER, I haven’t had the drive or inspiration to write much. Not for this blog anyways. I mean, I pop in from time to time, with one random thought here and one set of lyrics I like there. But nothing like before. Yet this doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing at all…

I’ve been working on a novel. Shh! Calm down, it’s nothing major, don’t get too excited (enter crickets here). And I only call it that, because the word-count and pages are close to what is considered a standard size for any novel (over 95,000 words). It’s a fiction piece, totally fantasy stuff, and I writing it for my own enjoyment.  Is it a good story? Maybe. Will I try to get it published? Yes. Will it get published? Who knows! But did it bring a smile to my face and kept me entertained for hours on end? You betcha! And that was the whole point in writing it.

Don’t get me wrong… Someday, I would LOVE to become a published and well respected writer, whether it’s books or just plain newspaper articles. I could die happy doing what I love to do best, in a writing career. BUT… for now, I write for the pure joy of it and it’s often a private deal. I really enjoy writing, it’s my passion and it’s what keeps me sane within my insanity. But I’m often shy with sharing with the public. But I’m willing to try, this time, anyways.  :-)

So, there you have it. I’ve been spending my time away in writing a novel, that will most likely never see the light of day (depends on the publishers), and enjoying myself in a fictional world that I had created within my own weird imagination. Spring will be here, before I know it. :-p

-D