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A Wow Moment…

January 13, 2011

I know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. But I feel the need today. ;-)

The truth is, for most of my life I have been trying very hard to gain the love and approval of relatives, strangers, and people that I had hoped were my friends. Someone was so gracious and honest enough to point out to me, that I have been living my life as the “Dani” that everyone sees me as, but not the “Dani” that I truly am. I had failed to be myself with myself. I am always being my true self around everyone, but denying my own talents or worth to myself. The crowd has told me that I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I’m weird, and my writing sucks… and I had let them be my judge and jury. And that’s so wrong. I am my own judge and jury, and I shouldn’t have given others so much power over me. :-/

Shoulda, coulda, woulda… It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean that I have to continue to make that mistake. Not anymore. ;-)

Something happened to me, a few days before my best friend left on his brave journey… I was standing in a dark hallway, craving and begging for  acceptance, protection, and love from another. And with all of my good deeds towards everyone, of ALWAYS following the rules and doing what I was suppose to, of never breaking my loyalty or care for anyone, it became clear that what I wanted I was never going to get. I was not going to get that same loyalty, love, and commitment back, no matter what I did or say.  I’ve always gave out this kind of unwavering love in abundance to everyone in my life, etched in stone loyalty, and willing to fight for those I claim to love. But when the chips fell down in this hallway, and I stood there begging for a fraction of that care in return, I saw that I wasn’t going to get it. People don’t owe me a blessed thing back, in return for my sacrifices or care. And my idea that if I show unconditional love to someone, they will show love back in return, was proven to be a big fat lie.

The realization hit me so very hard, that I had wasted most of my life caring for so many, who will never care for me. And these people have taken my kindness and generosity for granted, for so many years, and in spite of blood ties. I realized that no matter what, I would never get that acknowledgment, respect, and love that I have been begging for all of these years. And all at once, my words left me… Anger welled up inside of me, turning to rage, and deep unbearable pain. I had screamed, for several minutes, angry roars until I had cried. It was the years of pain and hurt that was stored inside me. And after it had left me, along with my voice for a few days, I felt a wave of peace wash over me. It was over. That negative mass of emotions was one of the major things that had held me back, all of these years, and now it was gone.

I have changed and I keep changing a little everyday. And the lesson I had learned that day was, only those who are able to give unconditional love can share it with me. And not everyone is capable of being so loyal, caring, or respectful to others. Especially, if they are not so loving towards themselves. I had expect something not possible from very broken people, who are unable to love themselves, let alone me. And so, I’m no longer looking for something that just can’t exist, from these people.

Instead, I am becoming the Dani that I see myself as, not the Dani that everyone else sees. A year ago, I would not have dared to try to publish my book, because I was too afraid of failure. Now, if I fail it doesn’t matter, as long as I had a good shot at trying. I will enjoy the journey of trying. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry and I’m nervous that no publisher will like my manuscript, that my book will be considered as crap. HOWEVER, I still want to step out there and give it my best shot. :-)

It’s winter now and I’m stuck indoors. I sleep most of the day, out of sheer boredom, and I hate this season with a passion. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels here. And I am feeling much like a big fish in a very small pound. It’s a lot frustrating at times, because I had such a huge change and I’m eager to get things started. I want to migrate to larger waters in life. I mean, I REALLY want to get out there and see the world now. I’m ready. The only thing stopping me is, I don’t know how to take the first steps or where to start. But, I’m guessing that I’ll figure it out, by and by.

But what is clear to me now is, I’m a lot free. And I’m not the woman I once was… not anymore. :-)

-D

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2 comments

  1. You ARE Dani no not the one like the family pet, fed, watered but ultimately what your owner wishes you to be but the real one with your own identity YOU have defined. It’s not that you can’t or won’t share your life with others but you won’t change who you are for them.
    I just feel like pulling you toward me, putting my arms around you and giving you a great big hug.

    Love Caroline
    xxxxxx


  2. Aw!!! I love hugs! :-D
    Thanks, Caroline. I feel a lot more free these days. :-)



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