Archive for March, 2011

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Are You Ready To Rock?

March 31, 2011

I love a lot of music genres, to be honest. Just about anything with a good melody, not-to-bad lyrics, and a nice rhythm is music to my ears. I love Jazz, Celtic, Techno/Trance/Electronic, Indie, World, Blues, Classical, Opera, etc. There are only three kinds of music that I can’t stand… Rap, Country, and Bubble-gum Pop.

For me, today’s rap is too negative and vulgar, this also includes Hip-hop. Country has a twang to it, that irritates me to no end, within it’s music. No, I love the Country accent and I’m a fan of Reba herself, but the music makes my skin crawl. And what I call “bubble-gum” Pop is the sugary-sweet kind, that’s obviously for the kids. Sorry, Justin Bieber. :-p

But what really gets me going is pure unadulterated Rock! Be it Grunge, Metal, Classic, Industrial, Punk, and so on. There is something within the screaming guitars and sometimes screaming lyrics that is very primal to me. Rock is the music that I turn to when I’m happy and excited about anything. Or when I’m just having a very lazy day, lounging in my bed and looking up at my ceiling, mouthing the words to any given rock song. Or when I’m very sad and lost, the moody rock songs (especially the ones of Nirvana or Linkin Park) is what helps me make it through.

I even dream in Rock music, as my dreams are always musically scored. Sometimes, it’s soft music like Celtic or a haunting Aria (Opera). But most times it’s Rock. And I’ve had many dreams of me standing on a stage with some of my favorite Rock Legends, playing the lead guitar! Though, in reality, I suck at any instrument, especially the electric guitar.

I once had a friend, who was in a rock band, and she let me try out her guitar. I guess she saw me eying the thing a little too hard, as I was waiting for her to get ready for the movie she was dragging me to. Then she says, “Go ahead, try it out.”, plugging up the amp and I grab that sweet jet-black ax like I had won gold! I sat on her bed with it and hit the first chord… awful! I didn’t know what I was doing! I kept playing anyways, my fingers going numb after the first five minutes, because I was not use to the strings yet. It was a garbled mess and sounded like dying cats. She tried to give me some pointers, which I ignored, because I wanted to get a nice sound from the thing on my own. It never happened. So, I learned that I’ll never be a rock-star that day, but I had so much fun! :-)

All and all, I am a rock-chick, and I will die one. When I’m a old grandma, it won’t be uncommon for the neighbors to hear Metallica blasting from my tiny house with the white picket fence, an old woman shouting, “Whoo!” from within.  And I’m sure the community will complain and run me out of town too! :-p

Rock on! ;-)

-D

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Hope After A Storm

March 28, 2011

My Rainpuddle has been a little stormy, lately. I guess it’s part of Spring. Also I had a very awful and rough winter and March. :-/

However, my life is beginning to turn around for the better now and I’m getting back on track. I’m slowly making new friends and finding myself again. I did get lost for a while there… I’m still a little lost. But, things are getting better and better each day. :-)

I’ll spare the drama of what caused me to be lost, in fact it shouldn’t be named here anyways. It’s not important anymore. But there were some drama and it played out in my posts of late, which is fine. This is why I have this blog in the first place, for me to vent and share, not solely for others’ amusement. :-p

But… in my lost moments, things became a lot more clear. I found myself a cool community online, which I can vent more with nicer people who understand me and my disorder. I do suffer with social anxiety disorder, which I’ve mentioned a few times here, but it’s nice to meet others who understand what that means. The site’s VERY cool and I lurk there much. I won’t name it, as it’s my sanctuary and I don’t want a crowd following me there. But, if you are a person who suffer from an anxiety disorder and really want to know where this awesome community is, just leave a comment with your email addy, I’ll try to send you the link. ;-)

Besides that, I’m soon to get out and visit the hair-salon again, which means that I will be pampered and beautified. That always cheers me up a bit… though, I’m dying to ask my hairdresser for a new style. I want to have a rock/punky look to my usual cherry-red dyed hair. Over the winter, my hair grew out, so I do need a new haircut. But with the extra hair,  I’m thinking that I don’t want the usual, but something new. To be continued…

Meanwhile, I’m getting all kinds of kudos and encouragement to not give up on getting my book published. So, of course, I will try again someday soon. I’m just waiting for the right time, at this point. But I won’t wait forever.

My current hopes and goals are for me to focus on myself… to focus on getting myself better within my life. Too many have taken advantaged of me, used and abused, caused so much negativity in my life. I gotta somehow learn how to avoid these con-artists and liars (especially online), to be able to see the wolves in sheep’s clothing, no matter how colorful the clothing is. It’s not good for my psyche or self-esteem, to be fooled and hurt by people, when I know that I am well intentioned and honest always. So, my only answer is to find and be around other honest and well intentioned people, like myself. No more dumpster-diving for me.

I finally got to the point where I feel like I’m somebody and don’t deserve abuse anymore. And it’s not so easy for me to stand up for myself, stick to it and not doubt myself in my decisions, especially if it does mean the end of a friendship. But I have found out that I can say no to abuse and stick with it. And if a person was really a friend, they would hear me and not insist that it have to be all or nothing. For that change, I bet this Rainpuddle is going to be a lot less stormy in the future. ;-)

-D

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Come As You Are

March 25, 2011

For this Music Friday, here’s my favorite song from Nirvana, in keeping with Kurt Cobain’s memory. This is the song that starts me cheering, just from the intro! Whoo-hoo! Also, I love the guitar solo so much!  ;-)

Come as you are, as you were
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend
As an old enemy

Take your time, hurry up
The choice is yours, don’t be late
Take a rest as a friend
As an old

Memoria, memoria
Memoria, memoria

Come doused in mud, soaked in bleach
As I want you to be
As a trend, as a friend
As an old

Memoria, memoria
Memoria, memoria

And I swear that I don’t have a gun
No I don’t have a gun
No I don’t have a gun

Memoria, memoria
Memoria, memoria
(No I don’t have a gun)

And I swear that I don’t have a gun
No I don’t have a gun
No I don’t have a gun
No I don’t have a gun
No I don’t have a gun

Memoria, memoria

-D

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Nevermind

March 23, 2011

I’m a lot lost in my life, at the moment. And whenever I get so very lost and hurt by life, I often turn to music, most of all the old band of Nirvana. And mostly, it’s the voice of Kurt Cobain that comforts me in these rock songs. Maybe because I can identify with him a little, if not a lot.

Kurt Cobain was the lead singer and guitarist of the grunge band named Nirvana. He committed suicide on April 5, 1994. Though, hardcore fans and conspiracy theorists like to believe that he was murdered by his wife, made to look like a suicide. But the fact remains, that although his wife was a very self-serving and not so nice person, she had nothing to do with his death. He was in the house alone, with no signs of forced entry, separated from his wife and living alone. Kurt was battling an addiction to heroin, illness, and depression. He left millions of loving and adoring fans behind and at a lost, including myself.

But… I think I understand him and why he did it. People think I’m crazy with my theory, but I don’t care. I believe he died because he was lonely and without a real friend in the world. Those same sad and empty eyes of his, seen in every photo taken of him, mirrors my own. I so know how he feels and I know how easy it can seem to end the loneliness with death. I know it’s not a right idea to turn to suicide, but in the grips of that pain, I understand how that wrong thought can seem so right.

The proof of his loneliness is his suicide note, left not to his wife, family, or friends… but to his imaginary childhood friend named “Boddah”. I don’t think he had a true friend, a close friend, or any close ties. He was very VERY talented and had a lot of fame and fans. But Kurt Cobain didn’t want fame (something that I highly relate to) and just wanted to rock n roll for the sake and enjoyment of it. He had a lot to say in his lyrics and messages in his songs, but he never wanted a huge crowd or fame from it. He just wanted someone to hear him, just a few, to understand him and care for what he had to express. That’s me to my very core…

The fame was getting to him, his health issues, his crumbling marriage, and (I believe) lack of true friends around him. He was hurting when people misinterpreting his words, especially when two men ganged raped a young girl while singing his song of “Polly”, taking his lyrics as a depiction of rape.  Kurt released a public statement on the incident, highly upset and hurt that someone would come to one of his concerts and get that message from his words, when in fact “Polly” wasn’t a song about rape at all. I think, in a way, he blamed himself for what happened to the young girl, even though it wasn’t his fault at all. :-(

Kurt was a product of a broken home, his parents divorced when he was a little boy. His father remarried and Kurt lived with him and the new wife. But his father was often physically abusive to his stepmother and sending her to the hospital, once with a broken arm. Kurt spiraled in his teens, over his abusive home life, and his father sent him off with other relatives. Kurt also spent some years being homeless and living under a highway underpass, for a while. Without being able to get the emotional support that he needed and deserve for either parent,  Kurt was very alone in the world.

He had a very sad and lonely life, yet he was VERY talented in music. Sure, he had the money and fame, but he never got what he really wanted and needed in life. Money and fame isn’t everything. Love, emotional support, understanding, and kindness are. :-/

Even though I am no where near Kurt Cobain level, I can related to him on many aspects. I’m also from a broken home, I also can’t handle nor want fame, but just want to express myself and be understood. I write for the sheer joy of it, not for fame or money, and I almost always have a message to convey. I’m also lonely, without a real friend,  huge sad eyes, wanting for true emotional support that I will never seem to get. I’m not addicted to heroin, but I am addicted to nicotine (really bad, on and off… which has the same addiction rate of heroin, by the way), and I suffer with health issues and depression.

Though, my fan-base is so very much lower than his… only 300 readers per week, according to my stat-counter reports. So it may be laughable that I would identify with someone so well widely known, with millions of fans worldwide, and well loved in fame. Maybe. Then again Kurt never cared about the numbers, it disturbed him much. Nor do I care about fame or numbers. So this argument is really a moot point. :-p

But, I know how it feels when a person is surrounded by people who love what you do, but don’t love who you are or even know who you are. Or even take the time to try to understand who you are. My real writings of this blog often have less viewers than my more fun and sillier posts. I suspect this one will be passed over and ignored too, without any real comments or “impressions”, like the other serious ones here. Par for the course. But, I didn’t write this for views or comments, but in tribute and mourning of Kurt Cobain.

I will mention this… it doesn’t make me feel good or happy when a person says to me, “I wish you lots of success in getting published someday… Because you will be famous and I’ll get to tell my family that I know someone famous!” And I’ve been hearing that comment a lot lately, which makes me shut down and not want to pursue any publication. I’m sure people think that saying this is flattering… but it’s not to me. What it says to me is, “I hope you get famous, so that you’re worth knowing.” And that makes me feel like crap. :-/

I imagine that Kurt Cobain wanted friends, in spite of and before his fame. That he didn’t want people to love him, just because of what he could do, but of who he was as a person. Sadly, if I knew this homeless guy, who lived under a highway and was lost, I would have been his friend. And a true friend at that! I’ve learned a long time ago that success and fame isn’t want makes a person special at all. And even if I do become famous or successful someday, I’d never forget who were my friends before and who stayed with me, when I was at my lowest. Fame, money, and success doesn’t impress me, not one bit. But integrity, loyalty, and who the person really is inside does. And Kurt Cobain had a very deep and caring soul, may he rest in peace.

-D

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Seeing The Full Picture

March 22, 2011

The thing with a relationship is that it’s very easy for a person to get caught up in the emotions and not see things for what they are. At least for me, I often get lost in these relationships, friendship or romantic, and lose sight of what is really there. And this is how I get hurt too, because I trust with my emotions and not with my eyes and instincts, a lot of times.

And people do take advantage of this, once they figure this out about me. My heart often steers the boat, but what they don’t realize is, sooner or later my common sense kicks in and the full picture materializes for me. And since I am not one to fall into denial of things, or try to lie my brain from the truth, at that point I face the truth head-on. For me, it’s not a choice to bury my head in the sand and pretend that something that isn’t is a reality, once I realize that it’s something false.

I like to call these moments of lucidity, the “step back” moments. It’s a moment when I step away from my emotions and feelings for a second, and really see the relationship for what it is. And this can be very painful, if I step back and discover that what I thought a friendship really was isn’t the truth. It’s a very bad spiral, that I set up these illusions of what I think a person is based on my heart and emotions, instead of true actions. Words are words. Sure, words are powerful and have the ability to heal or harm, but actions are more powerful than anything else in relationships.

I don’t expect people to have as many actions as I do in relationships. I will be honest here, I tend to go overboard in my friendships and sacrifice much, just because that’s who I am. And that won’t change about me. It’s a pure emotion and action, from within me, and it’s highly honest and without a catch. I don’t sacrifice or be there for a person, with the expectation of that person returning as much as I give out in return. Never. I give a full banquet of friendship, which is most likely too much heart to share with just one person, but I only expect one dish in return. But some get the idea that since I am so generous and kind, that they only need to give me a crust of bread in return. :-/

And without realizing it, I accept the crust of bread like it’s a full meal, and will argue and fight against anyone else telling me otherwise. It’s because my heart and emotions somehow create this illusion that if I add a glass of water to it, from my own tap and glass, it’s a meal. Then my stomach rumbles, still hungry, and I wonder why… And after a while of this, then I have a “step back” moment, seeing that I have been starving all along while they’ve been eating steak!

It’s a very hurtful and devastating feeling, to realize that you’ve been more a friend to someone than they have been towards you. And of course, I speak up in that step-back moment and let my “friends” in no uncertain terms that I am starving and need a meal from them now. Though, you would think that a person would feel some kind of responsibility and conscious, to say, “You’re right, Dani. I’m sorry. Here’s a plate, sit next to me at the table.” But those who take advantage don’t work in that way. In my experience, there is a lot of attitude and the “friendship” becomes a bargaining chip. It quickly becomes, “if you don’t accept this crust of bread, then the party is over. I’m getting up from this table now and going home for good.” And since I am not so desperate and lonely enough to keep accepting things as they are, the table is then flipped over and the fat, greedy, and well fed person storms from the dinning hall permanently.

Metaphors aside (I enjoy writing these long story-like scenes, if you couldn’t tell. =p), my warning is, be sure to evaluate your relationships at the first sign that something is not fair. Your instincts and brains are often a good indicator of the truth. No matter how kind and pure your heart is, the fact is that the world is not so kind or pure, and there are too many predators in the world who will prey on a person’s loneliness and generosity. It’s not always about money, time is a very precious thing too! And once it’s lost, you can’t get that back.

Sadly, with past friendships, I’ve lost both time and money. Though, I’m trying to learn to do better than that and not get swept up in what my heart says, seeing the full picture for what it really is.

-D

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Who Am I?

March 21, 2011

I really don’t know of my genealogy and it’s one of those things that bothers me a lot. I often study the cultures of others, I aspire to be a world-traveler someday, and I often make friends with people all over the world with different cultural backgrounds. But… I don’t know of my own roots completely. :-(

I do know my core race, without a doubt, but recently I was clued in that my family’s roots are mixed. We’re not just one race, originating from one homeland, but our bloodline comes from possibly two other races. One of the other races, besides my core one, is most definitely Caucasian. But also we are mixed with Island blood. And that’s the mystery… which Island? :-/

There are so many Islands around the US, also all over the world. Assuming that “The Islands” are around the US, it doesn’t narrow down my family’s bloodline by much. We could have originated from Trinidad, Jamaica, Hawaii, The Bahamas, etc, for all I know. Sadly, the people who knew of my family’s bloodline the most have all passed away. They were trying to impart the knowledge to my mother, her siblings, and cousins… but no one seemed to be interested. Or at least not interested enough to ask the obvious question of, “Which Islands?” D’oh! :-(

So, that leaves the younger generation of my family without answers,  not knowing who we really are and where we came from. And the not knowing part does bother me a lot, because I’m a curious person by nature anyway. I often wonder if who I am is somehow reflective on who my ancestors were. I also wonder if I have other relatives out there in the world, that I’ve haven’t met. I wonder if my past relatives have once faced the same things that I do today, or made strides in things that are important to me today. Did my love of writing come from them? Or the way I care and fight for others, did it come from them?

I have a small facial tick, where I unconsciously raise my left eyebrow whenever I hear something ludicrous, puzzling, or confusing. And the brow raises up when I’m being highly sarcastic or making a very strong point, in conversation. None of my current relatives have this tick, except for my grandmother, may her soul rest. I am curious if my ancestors did this too or if I have other unknown relatives in the world who are raising a brow. =p

There are services out there, that can find the answers and help me track down my genealogy. Only it costs a hefty penny, so it’s one of those things I can’t follow, at this time. But, I do wonder. Every now and then, I come across some profile or questionnaire, that asks me to list my other cultural ties. I know that I’m not just one race, but there’s a huge question mark over which other races are within my blood. There is no check box for simply, “The Islands” on these things.

Maybe someday, I’ll have the answers about my cultural background. I believe, the more that I can learn and understand my ancestry, the more I can strengthen myself. :-)

-D

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Deception In Relationships

March 15, 2011

Part of gaining closure from a failed relationship is helping others. And this post is of my own experience and advice for others in any kind of relationship. Friendship or romantic, it doesn’t matter which one. Deception is a very hurtful thing and no one likes to be deceived or lied to.  I have had plenty of that in my life, sadly… So, the best thing to do is to share my mistakes and answers for others.

1. Beware Of “Time Bandits”! – These are people who willfully use up your time, for their own means. They will cloak the behavior in “friendship” or that they need you so much, because you’re a great friend. And they use words like, “you’re the only one who understands me”, as a nice way of keeping you complacent. For the longest, I didn’t know that this was a line, because let’s face it… We all want to feel needed or special in our own way. But this is a “hook”, that Time Bandits use. The truth is, they monopolize your time and before you know it, you’ve pattern your life around their schedule. They will use you for all of their venting and sharing every possible drama in their lives with you.  But the clue that they’re not just normal friends leaning on you on bad times, is that you don’t get to lean on them in return… They’re always “gone” or “busy” when it’s you that’s dealing with something. All of a sudden, it’s their job or family, or hobbies (like playing video games or reading manga) that comes first, even though they’ve asked you to put your life on hold for them. It didn’t matter to the them, when you had other things to do, as long as you were there to “keep them sane” in their various crises. These are people to avoid and no, they’re not your friends. :-/

2. Beware Of “Secret” Friendships! – This is one that I fell into, for over a year. Another term for this is, “emotional cheating”. You may have heard about this or seen this on the show “House M.D”. One of the doctors had a real problem with cheating on his wife, yet him and his wife tried to work it out, then he asks for an “open marriage”. The wife is hurt by this and gains a male internet friend, where she pours all of her hurt over the husband’s cheating to him. Of course, the doctor finds out about this internet guy and pitches a fit, which eventually leads to the couple divorcing. Now, it’s easy to get angry with the cheating doctor and feel that he’s in the wrong, he was a very crappy husband! But, the wife is wrong also, to seek emotional cheating with a guy on the internet. Emotional cheating is not the same as physical cheating, for sure. But it can be just as damaging to a spouse! Sharing all of your personal issues and intimate details  in a marriage with someone else, who is not an agreed upon counselor, is emotional cheating. Especially, if you hide that other person from your spouse too! A wise man once told me, that no matter how jealous a spouse is about you having a friend of the opposite sex, even though it’s completely platonic, you DO NOT hide that person from your spouse! That’s cheating! He said that important people aren’t hidden from other important people in one’s life. I agree with him and had that same sentiment for many months now, so no more will I be that “secret internet friend” to anyone!

So, if a person claims that you must be secret, it’s best to walk away. It shows that they are deceptive to their spouse and therefore will be deceptive to you. And I personally don’t need that kind of drama in my life, of hiding in secret from someone’s wife, when I’m not about cheating, have never cheated, and never will.

3. Beware Of “Talk” – Talk is extremely cheap these days, especially online! People can say a lot of things, but actions speak louder and more accurately. A person can claim to be your friend, or that they trust you, or that they’ll be there for you… but that’s only talk. Sadly, people can say, “I love you”, without batting an eye and not mean it at all. The proof is, if they are your friend they will simply be it. And if they trust you, they will be honest, and that’s it. In fact, when a friend is a real friend, you will know that they are honest and trusting of you and they won’t have to keep saying it, it will be shown to you often. If a friend is going to be there for you, that person will just be there, and not because they happened to be in a certain place anyways (like online at work, browsing websites). They will be there-there, for the sake of, and make sacrifices to be. And if they trust you, that friend will not hide things or flat out lie, instead of being upfront and honest from the start. If you’re working too hard to get the truth from someone or always finding yourself trying to understand mind-games of a person saying “A” but doing “B”… then the picture is clear. That person isn’t honest and their actions don’t fit their words, at all. It’s time to walk away… you can’t change people and no matter how “awesome” that person seem, they are simply not honest and full of hot air. :-/

4. Beware Of “Isolating” Friends! – This is a page from my mother’s own book, which I had failed to follow… but I should have! If a person says to you, “I only want you for my friend and I yours!”, run… Run for the hills! True friends won’t isolate you! Hell, any relationship where another is asking you to not have ANY friends but them is an abusive one! Sure, we all get jealous of other friendships, especially if it seems like the person is closer to that other friend than you. It’s part of humanity and life. But to cut off people from making other friends, isolating them from anyone new, and chasing away anyone else that may seem like a friend to your friend is SICK. Seriously. People who isolate others are highly insecure and ask too much of their friend or spouse, when they do this. It’s like taking a very pretty flower and stuffing it in a dark closet for your enjoyment only. After a while of no sunshine, that flower will die, of course. Also, isolating a person in this way leaves your friend in a very bad disadvantage, as they become reliant on you solely. And when you’re gone, they’re left all alone and their friendship abilities (to make new friends) is hurt considerably too. It’s a very extreme thing to do to another, especially to one that you claim is your friend or loved spouse. And if a person asks that of you, that when you need to get away, and fast! :-o

Finding a good and trust-worthy friend is not easy, by far. There are too many deceptive people out there in the world, sadly. And some people are just too selfish, insecure, and don’t know the meaning of what a real friendship means. Friendship is NOT deception, at all. It is honesty, trust, loyalty, selflessness, and sacrificing what one wants to do in order to be there and supportive of that friend, and most of all it’s wanting the best for a friend even if it makes you worried or a little jealous. We must remember, that which we ask from others, we must be willing to give back in return. ;-)

-D