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Deception In Relationships

March 15, 2011

Part of gaining closure from a failed relationship is helping others. And this post is of my own experience and advice for others in any kind of relationship. Friendship or romantic, it doesn’t matter which one. Deception is a very hurtful thing and no one likes to be deceived or lied to.  I have had plenty of that in my life, sadly… So, the best thing to do is to share my mistakes and answers for others.

1. Beware Of “Time Bandits”! – These are people who willfully use up your time, for their own means. They will cloak the behavior in “friendship” or that they need you so much, because you’re a great friend. And they use words like, “you’re the only one who understands me”, as a nice way of keeping you complacent. For the longest, I didn’t know that this was a line, because let’s face it… We all want to feel needed or special in our own way. But this is a “hook”, that Time Bandits use. The truth is, they monopolize your time and before you know it, you’ve pattern your life around their schedule. They will use you for all of their venting and sharing every possible drama in their lives with you.  But the clue that they’re not just normal friends leaning on you on bad times, is that you don’t get to lean on them in return… They’re always “gone” or “busy” when it’s you that’s dealing with something. All of a sudden, it’s their job or family, or hobbies (like playing video games or reading manga) that comes first, even though they’ve asked you to put your life on hold for them. It didn’t matter to the them, when you had other things to do, as long as you were there to “keep them sane” in their various crises. These are people to avoid and no, they’re not your friends. :-/

2. Beware Of “Secret” Friendships! – This is one that I fell into, for over a year. Another term for this is, “emotional cheating”. You may have heard about this or seen this on the show “House M.D”. One of the doctors had a real problem with cheating on his wife, yet him and his wife tried to work it out, then he asks for an “open marriage”. The wife is hurt by this and gains a male internet friend, where she pours all of her hurt over the husband’s cheating to him. Of course, the doctor finds out about this internet guy and pitches a fit, which eventually leads to the couple divorcing. Now, it’s easy to get angry with the cheating doctor and feel that he’s in the wrong, he was a very crappy husband! But, the wife is wrong also, to seek emotional cheating with a guy on the internet. Emotional cheating is not the same as physical cheating, for sure. But it can be just as damaging to a spouse! Sharing all of your personal issues and intimate details  in a marriage with someone else, who is not an agreed upon counselor, is emotional cheating. Especially, if you hide that other person from your spouse too! A wise man once told me, that no matter how jealous a spouse is about you having a friend of the opposite sex, even though it’s completely platonic, you DO NOT hide that person from your spouse! That’s cheating! He said that important people aren’t hidden from other important people in one’s life. I agree with him and had that same sentiment for many months now, so no more will I be that “secret internet friend” to anyone!

So, if a person claims that you must be secret, it’s best to walk away. It shows that they are deceptive to their spouse and therefore will be deceptive to you. And I personally don’t need that kind of drama in my life, of hiding in secret from someone’s wife, when I’m not about cheating, have never cheated, and never will.

3. Beware Of “Talk” – Talk is extremely cheap these days, especially online! People can say a lot of things, but actions speak louder and more accurately. A person can claim to be your friend, or that they trust you, or that they’ll be there for you… but that’s only talk. Sadly, people can say, “I love you”, without batting an eye and not mean it at all. The proof is, if they are your friend they will simply be it. And if they trust you, they will be honest, and that’s it. In fact, when a friend is a real friend, you will know that they are honest and trusting of you and they won’t have to keep saying it, it will be shown to you often. If a friend is going to be there for you, that person will just be there, and not because they happened to be in a certain place anyways (like online at work, browsing websites). They will be there-there, for the sake of, and make sacrifices to be. And if they trust you, that friend will not hide things or flat out lie, instead of being upfront and honest from the start. If you’re working too hard to get the truth from someone or always finding yourself trying to understand mind-games of a person saying “A” but doing “B”… then the picture is clear. That person isn’t honest and their actions don’t fit their words, at all. It’s time to walk away… you can’t change people and no matter how “awesome” that person seem, they are simply not honest and full of hot air. :-/

4. Beware Of “Isolating” Friends! – This is a page from my mother’s own book, which I had failed to follow… but I should have! If a person says to you, “I only want you for my friend and I yours!”, run… Run for the hills! True friends won’t isolate you! Hell, any relationship where another is asking you to not have ANY friends but them is an abusive one! Sure, we all get jealous of other friendships, especially if it seems like the person is closer to that other friend than you. It’s part of humanity and life. But to cut off people from making other friends, isolating them from anyone new, and chasing away anyone else that may seem like a friend to your friend is SICK. Seriously. People who isolate others are highly insecure and ask too much of their friend or spouse, when they do this. It’s like taking a very pretty flower and stuffing it in a dark closet for your enjoyment only. After a while of no sunshine, that flower will die, of course. Also, isolating a person in this way leaves your friend in a very bad disadvantage, as they become reliant on you solely. And when you’re gone, they’re left all alone and their friendship abilities (to make new friends) is hurt considerably too. It’s a very extreme thing to do to another, especially to one that you claim is your friend or loved spouse. And if a person asks that of you, that when you need to get away, and fast! :-o

Finding a good and trust-worthy friend is not easy, by far. There are too many deceptive people out there in the world, sadly. And some people are just too selfish, insecure, and don’t know the meaning of what a real friendship means. Friendship is NOT deception, at all. It is honesty, trust, loyalty, selflessness, and sacrificing what one wants to do in order to be there and supportive of that friend, and most of all it’s wanting the best for a friend even if it makes you worried or a little jealous. We must remember, that which we ask from others, we must be willing to give back in return. ;-)

-D

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