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Nevermind

March 23, 2011

I’m a lot lost in my life, at the moment. And whenever I get so very lost and hurt by life, I often turn to music, most of all the old band of Nirvana. And mostly, it’s the voice of Kurt Cobain that comforts me in these rock songs. Maybe because I can identify with him a little, if not a lot.

Kurt Cobain was the lead singer and guitarist of the grunge band named Nirvana. He committed suicide on April 5, 1994. Though, hardcore fans and conspiracy theorists like to believe that he was murdered by his wife, made to look like a suicide. But the fact remains, that although his wife was a very self-serving and not so nice person, she had nothing to do with his death. He was in the house alone, with no signs of forced entry, separated from his wife and living alone. Kurt was battling an addiction to heroin, illness, and depression. He left millions of loving and adoring fans behind and at a lost, including myself.

But… I think I understand him and why he did it. People think I’m crazy with my theory, but I don’t care. I believe he died because he was lonely and without a real friend in the world. Those same sad and empty eyes of his, seen in every photo taken of him, mirrors my own. I so know how he feels and I know how easy it can seem to end the loneliness with death. I know it’s not a right idea to turn to suicide, but in the grips of that pain, I understand how that wrong thought can seem so right.

The proof of his loneliness is his suicide note, left not to his wife, family, or friends… but to his imaginary childhood friend named “Boddah”. I don’t think he had a true friend, a close friend, or any close ties. He was very VERY talented and had a lot of fame and fans. But Kurt Cobain didn’t want fame (something that I highly relate to) and just wanted to rock n roll for the sake and enjoyment of it. He had a lot to say in his lyrics and messages in his songs, but he never wanted a huge crowd or fame from it. He just wanted someone to hear him, just a few, to understand him and care for what he had to express. That’s me to my very core…

The fame was getting to him, his health issues, his crumbling marriage, and (I believe) lack of true friends around him. He was hurting when people misinterpreting his words, especially when two men ganged raped a young girl while singing his song of “Polly”, taking his lyrics as a depiction of rape.  Kurt released a public statement on the incident, highly upset and hurt that someone would come to one of his concerts and get that message from his words, when in fact “Polly” wasn’t a song about rape at all. I think, in a way, he blamed himself for what happened to the young girl, even though it wasn’t his fault at all. :-(

Kurt was a product of a broken home, his parents divorced when he was a little boy. His father remarried and Kurt lived with him and the new wife. But his father was often physically abusive to his stepmother and sending her to the hospital, once with a broken arm. Kurt spiraled in his teens, over his abusive home life, and his father sent him off with other relatives. Kurt also spent some years being homeless and living under a highway underpass, for a while. Without being able to get the emotional support that he needed and deserve for either parent,  Kurt was very alone in the world.

He had a very sad and lonely life, yet he was VERY talented in music. Sure, he had the money and fame, but he never got what he really wanted and needed in life. Money and fame isn’t everything. Love, emotional support, understanding, and kindness are. :-/

Even though I am no where near Kurt Cobain level, I can related to him on many aspects. I’m also from a broken home, I also can’t handle nor want fame, but just want to express myself and be understood. I write for the sheer joy of it, not for fame or money, and I almost always have a message to convey. I’m also lonely, without a real friend,  huge sad eyes, wanting for true emotional support that I will never seem to get. I’m not addicted to heroin, but I am addicted to nicotine (really bad, on and off… which has the same addiction rate of heroin, by the way), and I suffer with health issues and depression.

Though, my fan-base is so very much lower than his… only 300 readers per week, according to my stat-counter reports. So it may be laughable that I would identify with someone so well widely known, with millions of fans worldwide, and well loved in fame. Maybe. Then again Kurt never cared about the numbers, it disturbed him much. Nor do I care about fame or numbers. So this argument is really a moot point. :-p

But, I know how it feels when a person is surrounded by people who love what you do, but don’t love who you are or even know who you are. Or even take the time to try to understand who you are. My real writings of this blog often have less viewers than my more fun and sillier posts. I suspect this one will be passed over and ignored too, without any real comments or “impressions”, like the other serious ones here. Par for the course. But, I didn’t write this for views or comments, but in tribute and mourning of Kurt Cobain.

I will mention this… it doesn’t make me feel good or happy when a person says to me, “I wish you lots of success in getting published someday… Because you will be famous and I’ll get to tell my family that I know someone famous!” And I’ve been hearing that comment a lot lately, which makes me shut down and not want to pursue any publication. I’m sure people think that saying this is flattering… but it’s not to me. What it says to me is, “I hope you get famous, so that you’re worth knowing.” And that makes me feel like crap. :-/

I imagine that Kurt Cobain wanted friends, in spite of and before his fame. That he didn’t want people to love him, just because of what he could do, but of who he was as a person. Sadly, if I knew this homeless guy, who lived under a highway and was lost, I would have been his friend. And a true friend at that! I’ve learned a long time ago that success and fame isn’t want makes a person special at all. And even if I do become famous or successful someday, I’d never forget who were my friends before and who stayed with me, when I was at my lowest. Fame, money, and success doesn’t impress me, not one bit. But integrity, loyalty, and who the person really is inside does. And Kurt Cobain had a very deep and caring soul, may he rest in peace.

-D

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One comment

  1. I was a huge fan of Nirvana one day. Reading many many books about Kurt Cobain, listening to their music all the time, posters all over my walls ;)
    I’m not that crazy any more, but I still value their music highly.
    And I understand that you can relate to him. I think that that is, what makes art special to someone. That you can relate to what you see, hear or read.



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