h1

Lovesong

May 20, 2011

This is one of my favorites by “The Cure”, one the major Gothic bands I loved as a teen. I was reminded of this song, while browsing profiles on another site. So, I’m posting it for nostalgia sake. Enjoy! :-)

Whenever I’m alone with you 
You make me feel like I am home again 
Whenever I’m alone with you 
You make me feel like I am whole again 
Whenever I’m alone with you 
You make me feel like I am young again 
Whenever I’m alone with you 
You make me feel like I am fun again 

However far away I will always love you 
However long I stay I will always love you 
Whatever words I say I will always love you 
I will always love you 

Whenever I’m alone with you 
You make me feel like I am free again 
Whenever I’m alone with you 
You make me feel like I am clean again 

However far away I will always love you 
However long I stay I will always love you 
Whatever words I say I will always love you 
I will always love you 

-D

Advertisements
h1

A New Attitude

May 18, 2011

I’ve always been driven towards change and improvement within myself and in my life. I am rarely happy with staying complacent with some aspect of my personality, temperament, spirituality, lifestyle, or general beliefs. I am constantly improving myself, growing, and getting stronger in all aspects of my existence. And where I hope to reach is a place of total inner peace, healthy self-confidence, and better self-esteem.  My major seasons of changing are Spring and Autumn. And this Spring was no different than my previous seasons of changing…

To be honest, I had a very terrible winter, as anyone could tell by my old posts here. And the start of my Spring was a bad trip too. Most of my drama revolved around people, others who shouldn’t have meant that much to me and who didn’t mean me any good in return. During these bleak months, I did take a hard look at all of my beliefs and those around me, as well as a very critical look at myself. Believe me, no one is more harsh and blunt towards me than my own self.

And in all of my honest analyzing, I did realize one important fact about me… I am tired. I am tired of being there for people who aren’t there for me. I am tired of giving power to those who haven’t traveled much further than I have in life, but feel the need to put down and berate me for whatever choice I desire to make. Who are these people, anyways? I realize that many are strangers, who I’ve never met or never connected deeply with, in the first place. So then I ask myself another question, “Why am I wasting my emotions on people that I don’t even know?” :-o

I am also tired of the one-sided friendships that people like to give out, where I am expected to do one hundred things for a person yet have to beg for just one thing in return. I am SO done with that and I can’t be bothered with it anymore. And this goes for EVERYONE, not just the acquaintances or the strangers that cross my path. If my closest friends want to remain close, it’s best that they don’t try this kind of crap with me. Though, my closest friends are so close, because they don’t use me in the first place. So, I doubt they should worry, unless they decide to change up. ;-)

My new change and new attitude is, I’m too tired to play games or keep up with kid-stuff, anymore. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids! If a person is honest, up front, and fair towards me, I will be the same towards them. If they wish to play a con, to spin a trick, to seek a victim for their one-sided relationships, they will find that I’m not so easy to contend with and I can be quite the bitch. The new attitude is, I don’t care to play nice with those who aren’t willing to play nice with me. If a person offers nothing, then I offer nothing to them in return. If they offer much, then I will offer much. This is how it works now. :-p

I use to worry so much about making others comfortable, to the point of tossing my own comfort into the wind, being complacent with being smashed into a corner somewhere. But not anymore. I hurt too, have issue and crises, have things to vent about (duh, just look around this blog! LOL!),and have my own moody periods in life. My emotions and situations are just as valid as anyone else’s, and if I’m expect to respond, care, understand, and comfort a person in their various situations, then I want a little of that in return as well.

I’m always fair and I don’t expect a person to return back the exact  amount of care that I give out, because I care too much at times! I’m not sure if my level of caring is exactly healthy, but it’s me. And if a person can’t give a little empathy to my own plights (NOT PITY!), then they’re not worth my time or effort in worrying about their situations. I refuse to be a free therapist or life coach! Simple as that.  :-p

So, within this new realization, I have changed a bit in my temperament and interactions with others, since late March. How have the people in my life responded to my change thus far? Well, my close friends (two people I’ve known for years) don’t seem to notice the change or object to it. Then again, they are my close friends for the fact that our friendship has never been one-sided from the start. For them, nothing has changed in my attitude or interaction with them. My family have noticed a little change, in watching my interactions with others, and they are happy and relieved that I am not putting up with undeserved mistreatment from others. :-)

As for many of my acquaintances, they have noticed the change right away! And many were not happy with the change, some huffed away and no longer speak to me, and some  decided to leave me some choice words before they did marched away.

But the crazy thing about it is, I’m too tired to care about the loss of these people and I feel that it is the best thing that has happened for me. Think about it. These people left in a huff, because I insisted that our friendship would not stay one-sided. They wanted my empathy or for me to do things for them, even though they had no intentions of caring about my plights in life. So, what did I really lose? The answer is simple: I lost absolutely NOTHING. And with those emotional leeches gone from my life, it has freed up my efforts and empathy for those who really need and deserve my attention – my real friends and family. :-)

So my point, is not to wave my new found attitude in everyone’s face or to brag, but I feel a need to share this for anyone who may be reaching their breaking point within their own social lives and relationships. I encourage those who are reevaluating their situations, that when one reaches their limit, to just go with your instincts and follow your heart. Don’t twist yourself to worry about the feelings of those who won’t and don’t care about you! The worry of being unfair to those who are highly unfair towards you is a vicious cycle that begets only more pain and discomfort. And abusera will take full advantage of a person who tries to be mindful of the emotions and feelings of them, when they themselves have no empathy for that person in return. :-(

Sometimes, when a person gets tired, it’s a sign that whatever they are doing or putting up with is the wrong approach to a situation. Breaking points and stark realizations of mistreatment within a relationship is your cue to shout, “Enough is enough!” Don’t worry, if you hurt the feelings of the abuser, it is warranted and well deserved for that person. But if you settle for mistreatment and don’t stand up for yourself, then you really do deserve what you get, as you’re choosing to be a victim. :-/

The best thing about my new ‘tude is, I am more carefree and less burden with the baggage from others, which was once piled on top of my own baggage. I have more free time to face my own issue and work them out. So, I’m dealing with myself more these days and working on healing myself. And my close friends and family can experience a happier me, with less drama and concerns of others on my shoulders. ;-)

-D

h1

Bits And Bobs!

May 16, 2011

It’s been a while, since I wrote an “Hello” post. And do have something to share directly to my readers. :-)

As you may have noticed, my posts in this blog has been fewer in numbers. When I first stated this blog, I would write and post Monday – Friday. Back then, I had so much to expresses and share. But lately, I’ve been learning and growing within my life and spirituality, becoming a lot freer then when I had first started this blog. Right now, I’m at a level of feeling good and being lazy with wanting to write. My life is still far from being perfect (as if such a thing exist) and I wouldn’t say that I’m totally content. But at this moment, I’m following the idea within my own spirituality of, “Speak ye little, listen much”. :-p

What I mean is, I will still post here because I love to do so! I will try not to disappear for weeks at a time, like I did so this winter. But when I do post, it will not be a five days a week sort of deal. I have to get outside, away from the computer screen, and into life a bit. ;-)

A dear friend reminded me, that I have had so many negative experiences in my life, since I was a little girl. But, it time for me to experience more positive things within my life now. And she is so very right! It is time! :-)

I have been working a lot on myself, gaining a tougher-skin, changing the way I deal with others or react to situations. So, I am more ready to try to brave the outside world a little more. I do have an issue with anxiety, but maybe somehow I can test it’s limits and see how far I can get, within social situations. After all, I am thirty years old now and it’s about time I try to spread my wings.

But no matter what I get into, in my life’s journey, I will not be closing this blog for a very long while yet. So no need to worry, to the few who do enjoy reading my random rants and raves. I’m still around. ;-)

-D

h1

Calling A Spade A Rorschach

May 11, 2011

I am the type to call a spade a spade, always. I have been that way, since I was a little girl. It’s hard for me to not be honest and call things like I see them. Though, I’m not rude or fee; the need to go out of my way to tackle a person with my opinion. I often come with the disclaimer, “Don’t ask me, if you’re not looking for a honest answer.” And yet, people don’t seem to take me seriously and ask anyway, then get upset with my answers… :-/

Though, the worst part about it is, I never claim to be an know-it-all. I do know something about some things, but all of my spade callings are highly subjective and are bias, based on my own personal experiences and vulnerabilities. And it’s the same deal for EVERYONE on this planet too. We are all bound to be wrong, at least twice (tongue-in-cheek) in our lives. We can’t be right all the time. But, I do believe that I am entitled to my views and opinions, just like everyone else. :-p

The way we see and judge situations, others, and ourselves depend on our own individual experiences. It’s hard to know the “right” or “wrong” answers in gray situations. And you can’t gain a clue from the masses either, being that a whole group of people could be totally wrong together. For example, the “witch-hunt” mass hysteria of Salem Massachusetts or the Nazi war and mass genocide in 1939. Some judgement are harsh and damaging, like racism or bigotry against cultural backgrounds, gender, or religion.

But every day (and less extreme) judgment is a part of human nature, like judging if a person is intelligent, trustworthy, honorable, sneaky, a thief, and so on. Not to say that all judgments, even when not to the extreme, are right or wrong. Because we are human, we are most likely to make mistakes in any and all judgments.

But another dangerous extreme would to be non-judging for ALL things. Sure, it may sound nice to say, “I don’t judge anyone. I’m judgement free!” But, you set yourself up for some really dangerous situations in life  that way.  For example, you may be walking down a dark parking lot one night, and see a towering figure of a man, moving erratically in the darkness.  In order to be non-judgmental, you may ignore basic survival instincts, in order to say, “Who am I to judge? That man may be harmless.” True, he could be just a man heading for his car, just like you are, with no ill-intentions. But in not making a judgement call, or to be cautious, you may not get your keys and pepper spray ready, taking your sweet time to head for your car. And if your non-judgement is wrong, then you’ve just opened yourself up for a very brutal, if not fatal attack.

In other words, both sides of one extreme is never an good idea. You shouldn’t go around naming and labeling everything in life, but you shouldn’t walk around blind either. :-/

In my opinion, calling a spade a spade is much like interpreting an ink blot. Some of us will come up with a similar answer and a few will not. And our answers are always a reflection of our inner selves. There are things such as “tact” and also not offering your opinion if not asked. But if I’m entering into a conversation and a person only wants me to smile and nod and say everything they do is okay, they need to tell me that, before we start. I don’t make a habit of spilling all of my opinions on a person, I know how to pick and choose my battles, and I never aim to crush the spirits of another or to discouraged them! If a person asks I will tell the truth as I see it. But it is only as I see and feel it, not holy writ.

If a person wants me to lie to them, then they’ve picked the wrong person to talk with. And I don’t encourage others to lie to me either, in return. In fact, lying is a very serious offense to me and I’m liable to respect a person less, than I would respect a person for telling me their “truth” on any given situation or subject.

In other words, a person can have the most insane, ignorant, and rudest opinion in the history of the world. And most likely, I would scoff at them and believe that they are totally WRONG in their opinion, but they would still have my respect. Though, a person who hides their true thoughts and feelings, pretending to fit in with an idea or agree with it in public, but hiding behind closed doors with an opposite view, is a coward and liar to me. They lose all of my respect, instantly. And again, this is me calling a spade a spade, my true opinion and thought on the whole matter.It’s okay if others don’t agree with me, I’m not hear and living for masses to agree, and I can really care less if others have an opposing view.  Not everyone has to agree with or accept me. I’m happy to interpret the ink-blots of life, as I see fit to, even if I am alone in my observations. I’m just being honest. ;-)

-D

h1

My Inspiration!

May 9, 2011

I try not to have “heroes” or “idols” in my life, because in my past I’ve gotten burned with putting human beings up on a pedestal. I have learned the harsh reality, at a very young age, that heroes are human beings too and they do make mistakes and disappoint. Whenever I come across the question of “who do you idolize?” on various social networking sites, I always leave the field blank.

However, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have people in my life that inspire me. I know what you’re thinking, “potato-potata”. But there is a difference between idolizing someone and admiring a person’s good traits. It’s a thin line, but it’s there nonetheless. ;-)

For this week, I feel like acknowledging the real men in my life, who inspire my inner strength and help shape the person that I am today. Keep in mind, these men are not on a pedestal, I know of their faults and negative sides as well. But I do see and value their good traits, for what they really are. I won’t name names, but only their relation to me, as I wouldn’t want to embarrass them too much, if they shall read this someday. :-p

The first person I want to mention, is my grandfather. He was a cook in the US Navy, back in the day, very strong and an excellent chief. He grew up a little poor and knew what it was like to be hungry, along with his siblings. He had vowed to never let anyone go hungry again and my memories of him are often around the wonderful meals that he would make for the family. My earliest memory of age six, is when my grandpa inviting me and my sister into the basement of his home, where he kept the special cookies and chips. He was sneakily giving us special snacks and telling us to not speak of it to our cousins or grandmother upstairs. The fact is, many of my cousins and other relatives are highly conservative, snooty, and judgmental. Myself and my siblings are the black sheep of the family, with our liberal ways, and we don’t “fit in” with their clique. They often thumbed their noses down at us and we always felt like outsiders, at gatherings. But my grandpa was different! He may have been well off than most people he came in contact with, but he never showed any arrogance about it. He cared for all people, especially their stomaches, and he often would stop and dig into his pockets to pay for a person’s meal. If not that, he would take joy in cooking a huge feast and delivering the food to struggling families in his dark blue Cadillac. Not only that, my grandpa was very wise and he always treated people with respect and dignity, in spite of their differences or lifestyles. When my grandfather spoke to me, it was with wisdom, love, understanding, and respect. So, in family gatherings, I was always hanging around him the most. He passed away, from cancer, some years ago. But he still visits me in my dreams, giving me wise advice still. A lot of times, I believe that my wise words on any subject comes from him, his spirit whispering in my ear. He is my inspiration on how to treat others. :-)

My second mention is my oldest brother. As a kid, he was my idol and hero! I looked up to my older brother a whole lot, part of me still does. He is highly intelligent, open minded, and a lot strong. He is also ex-Military, as he had served his country under the US Army. I remember as a kid, when bullies would physically attack me on the playground, and I’d shout out in tears, “I’m gonna tell my big brother! He’s strong and in the Army! He will get you for this!” And my big brother did chase away my bullies and beat up one teen boy who had beaten me pretty badly in the streets. And one winter as a teen, I was without a winter coat and needed one, so my big brother gave me his bomber jacket. I still have that coat and wear it every winter, even though it’s old and a bit tattered. I can afford several jackets, if I wanted to, but I can’t part with that one… it’s special to me. But then my idolization was broken, when my brother went into some years of reckless and self-destructing behaviors, ruining his life. I was a lot upset and disappointed in him, even told him so in angry shouts. But, he became an inspiration to me later, because he did pull himself out of that darkness and now lives a settled and normal married life. And in his struggles to not stay in the darkness, my older brother inspired me to not stay in my own darkness and to change my life for the better. I fought hard to get out of my life of depression, with him in mind. :-)

My third mention, last but not least, is my best friend who is also an Army man (I suspect there is a theme within whom I gain inspiration from! :-p). I have mentioned about him a few hundred times within this blog, because he is awesome. He is the most stubborn and hard-driven man that I have ever met! Telling him that he “can’t” or “shouldn’t” do something is a direct challenge to him and he will fly head first into ANYTHING to prove that he can do it! Usually, this kind of arrogance would bother me, however… whatever my best friend sets out to do, he DOES IT, with precision and talent. He never gives up and he keeps fighting until he makes the doubtful person eat their own words! And I have had my share of eating crow, believe me. His fighting spirit and moxie is what motivates me often to never give up. Even when something looks futile, I just remember him and try again. :-)

I do feel a lot lucky to have or to have had such wonderful male influences in my life.  I do get my inspiration from other things and past figures in history too, but it’s nice to have  a few real and familiar faces in mind, when traveling through life’s journeys. ;-)

-D

h1

Always

May 6, 2011

This was one hokey song, when I first heard it in my teens! Though, before I knew it, the song was so attached to my brain. It still remains one of my guilty pleasures, till this day. It’s called “Always”, by the pop band named Erasure. Enjoy! :-)

Open your eyes I see
Your eyes are open
Wear no disguise for me
Come into the open

When it’s cold outside
Am I here in vain?
Hold on to the night
There will be no shame

Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

Always…

Melting the ice for me
Jump into the ocean
Hold back the tide I see
Your love in motion

When it’s cold outside
Am I here in vain?
Hold on to the night
There will be no shame

Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

-D

h1

When Evil Dies

May 5, 2011

It’s been a few days since the announcement of the death of Osama Bin Laden, the most vile and infamous terrorist leader of  al-Qaeda. Yes, I do have words about the monster whom was the direct cause of 3,000 deaths of innocent people on American soil. But, my words may not be something so obvious, this time around…

When I was first told of Bin Laden’s death, on Monday morning, I had two reactions. The first feeling I had was that of great relief and gladness, because with his death, it means that he can’t hurt anyone else. But the second feeling I had was a wave of pity and light sadness, because he was a human being and the loss of life is never a great thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m angry and upset of all the pain, fear, and darkness that Bin Laden has caused for my country and it’s innocent civilians. 9-11 was the most horrific day in US history and it will NEVER be forgotten. The images and the anxiety of that day will forever live within my mind, heart, and memories. And for this, I am angry and had been so for a whole decade.

However, I can’t help feeling pity and thinking to myself, “If only this man didn’t stray so far away from the right path.” Not only did he do great damage to America, he also did a lot of great damage for the Muslim faith. Bin Laden fell off the righteous path of his religion, falling into dark extremes, and making up his own interpretations of the Quran. In his madness, he helped fund and supported the mass murder of September 11, claiming it under the Muslim religion. That has made it a lot difficult for real Muslims around the world, as misguided and ignorant Americans began to believe that all Muslims are terrorists. :-(

So you may be wondering, with all the evil that this man have done, how could I pity him? I don’t know why or how. But I guess the acknowledgement that he was still a breathing human, a man who had lost his mind and soul to pure darkness, is what separates me from the psychopathic dictators of the world.  It is a sad thing, when a person loses their path and descend into evil. And this is not the first time I had felt pity for an executed dictator, as I also felt pity for Saddam Hussein, after watching his execution video.

But there’s no way that I’m saying that the death of evil men isn’t warranted. It is necessary at times and execution is much better if a court rules on the death, in some kind of trial. I do feel a lot cheated that Bin Laden wasn’t made to face his crimes and accusers, his life ending in a straight away execution. I do believe in the Death Penalty, and it’s the one thing that doesn’t fit in with my hippy-liberal ways. :-p

But my final opinion on this matter is, I am glad that Bin Laden can’t hurt people anymore and is permanently removed from power. But I also feel sorry for the loss of a life. When evil dies, it’s not always a black and white view on the matter. Sometimes a person can feel a little gray within the event.

Though, for those who have lost friends, family, and neighbors within the attacks, I highly understand if you are rejoicing and not feeling a thing about this mass-murderer’s death. You have every right to it! And I would have to dub a person with a very forgiving heart, if they did feel any pity for the man who took so much away from them. But, I do hope that the survivors of 9-11 can find some peace within this and some closure. :-)

-D